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The United States Women's National Team overcame England 2-1 in a semi-final showdown at the 2019 Women's World Cup. I'M SO EXCITED/HAPPY/ENERGIZED I COULD PICK UP A NISSAN SENTRA!

Just another Tuesday at work during the Woman's Cup, right? I let everyone at the office know I was "really behind and needed to focus" so I would be closing my door with my headphones on. DO NOT DISTURB! This match started the same way most World cup coverage begins—the national anthems of both teams play and the camera operators OVER INDULGE WITH EXTREME close-ups of people’s faces. Want to see what Alex Morgan's pores look like? YOU ARE IN LUCK. Are you into checking stranger's tonsils? WE GOT YOU COVERED—WEIRDO.


EVERYWHERE... THAT’S WHERE. If you've been paying the slightest bit of attention to this tournament, you’ve heard the hoopla regarding US forward Megan Rapinoe. Not only is she scoring like a MASTER, she’s also pissing off President Trump. Go ahead and google her name and see the wide array of opinions regarding her as a person, her politics, her fashion, her gayness, and her overall “Zero Fucks” for haters. I haven't written about that stuff much. WHY? Because this is absolutely nothing new. Megan Rapinoe has been standing strong as a leader in every aspect of her life since she was a kid in Redding, California, through her college years at the University of Portland and all the while in Seattle during her professional career with the Reign. I’m not saying she’s not newsworthy— because she 100 percent is—but I'm choosing to keep this blog focused on her soccer ability and leadership on the field. COME AT ME, HATERS!


After scoring the only two US goals in the quarter-final against France, Rapinoe didn't start for the US in this match against England. The US tweeted their starting 11 and then the commentator mentioned it every two minutes of the match. WE KNOW! WE KNOW! WE GOT IT ALREADY! Turns out Rapinoe is suffering from a hamstring injury. She was dressed and ready on the bench, but she did not warm up with the team or even jog before the match. GET WELL SOON!!!! And by soon I mean SUNDAY.

I hope you took your heart medication because this game was non-stop soccer action. And just like the last four games the US has played in this World Cup, THEY SCORED EARLY.
It happened in the tenth minute of the game when Heath drove the ball up the field and slid it up the left side to Kelley O’Hara who concisely crossed it to Christen Press’s GLORIOUS HEAD then past England’s goalkeeper and into the net. HOT TAMALES AND HELLO DOLLY’S!

England evened things out in the 19th minute when super scorer Ellen White was served a beautiful ball and knocked it right past Alyssa Naeher. This was Ellen White’s sixth goal of the tournament. BAH FREAKING HUMBUG HARRY POTTER POOT!

Okay, time to get serious, US! The English team started playing with more confidence, working their way inside the box a lot and keeping the US’ defense on HIGH ALERT.
After the 30 minute mark, the US took a moment with possession in the center of the field to collect themselves and GET ORGANIZED. After a series of well-connected passes, the US finally found Horan who floated a perfect ball right for Alex Morgan’s head! And just like that, the US is up 2-1! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ALEX HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...AND MANY MORE!!!!

This was Morgan’s sixth goal of the tournament and her first time scoring since that 13-0 Thailand game that kicked off the World Cup. This is also the first time a woman has scored in a World Cup match on her birthday. TALK ABOUT A DIRTY 30!


The second half started with a lot of gravity. Players were dropping like flies, things got real chippy, and it took less than five minutes for the US' (and Portland Thorn's) Lindsey Horan to receive a yellow card. The English team was maintaining control and creating chances for themselves in the box. Things were heating up on the field with each team making breaks and getting really close to another goal. NERVOUS? I’M NOT NERVOUS! I AM COMPLETELY CONFIDENT!


ONE hour has gone by and this game continued its series of near goals and women looking at the referee with their hands up acting totally surprised by fouls that were (or not called for that matter). OMG PLEASE JUST WIN!


England broke free and passed one right past the US goalkeeper in the 67th minute, but that was quickly SNATCHED BACK when further review deemed England offside. CLOSE CALL AND EXCESSIVE EXCLAMATIONS POINTS!!!!!!

THEN AGAIN, England made a mad dash for the goal, took a shot, missed it, and things started to move forward. UNTIL the Video Assisted Referee decided there was a penalty in the box. US defender Becky Sauerbrunn was issued a yellow card and England was given a penalty kick. Just when you think you could not be any more stressed out while pretending to read an email... SHIT HITS THE FAN AND A RAINBOW APPEARS!
Ladies and gentlemen…
I present to you…
Alyssa Naeher's SAVE OF HER LIFE.

Patrick Swayze=Naeher, Jennifer Grey = The USWNT

I am out of my mind at this point. My shirt is off. I have borrowed a co-worker's tie and have it around my head. I am doing the Macarena and insisting that others join me. BUT NO ONE DOES!

One of the English player's slides into a US player with her cleats up and receives a yellow card—which was her second—which means that SHE GETS A RED CARD AND HAS TO LEAVE THE FIELD WHILE ENGLAND IS DOWN A PLAYER.

I'm full of anxiety, strength, and gall. I have vomited on my keyboard and am looking for a large container of rice to help dry it out. I might need help finding a new day job.

SEVEN MINUTES is added to the regular 90 and England is starting to un-freaking-ravel. Fouls are being dealt left and right and things are in a state of panic. My phone is going berzerk with text messages from every person in my life that does not regularly watch soccer, but finally "gets me."

The final whistle blew and we all (actually just me, alone at my desk) blew a GODZILLA SIZE sigh of relief.

Do not miss the final match of the Women's World Cup THIS FREAKING SUNDAY at 8 am between the USA and either the Netherlands or Sweden. Those two teams play the other semifinal match Wednesday at noon Pacific time.

Thank you for reading—I hope you are enjoying this summer as much as I am!