Wave all the flags! The Thorns are on FIRE!
Wave all the flags! The Thorns are on FIRE! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The Portland Thorns SINGED the Chicago Red Stars 3-0 Sunday at Providence Park! SUNDAY FUNDAY OOOH-LA-LA!

This was the third time the Thorns faced off against the Red Stars in 2019. The first meeting ended with a 4-4 draw in Chicago in April—the best game of the season in my Aperol spritz-drenched opinion. The second meeting resulted with a big fat funky 3-0 win here in Portland in June. And this third and final match had the same result. What can I say, the ladies in red are creatures of habit—A GAME WINNING HABIT!

Sunday’s win was in no way an easy feat for the Thorns—the Red Stars are STACKED with talent this year! Australian high scorer Sam Kerr is shooting with the Red Stars, as well as USWNT playmaker Julie Ertz and starting keeper for the National team, Alyssa Naeher. GOOD GOLLY MS. MOLLY—THEY HAVE SOME SERIOUS FIREBALLS ON THAT SQUAD!

Australian Sam Kerr is the NWSLs leading scorer. SHE MUST BE STOPPED!
Australian Sam Kerr is the NWSL's leading scorer. SHE MUST BE STOPPED! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The Thorns defense was tested early in the match by a storm of Chicago fire. Portland consistently staved off a Red Star goal but had a tough time completing passes through the midfield and creating chances of their own.

Finally, in the 12th minute, Christine Sinclar received a simple side shuffle pass from Tobin Heath while in the center of box. Sinc took one, two, THREE touches on the ball and found the perfect placement past the Chicago goalie from super close range. CRUSH THAT CAN ON YER FOREHEAD—THE THORNS ARE ONE GOAL BEYOND!

There was no way that one goal was going to be enough to put these Chi-Town contenders away. The Thorns had to stay on their toes and ready for every bit of fast-moving fight this team had to offer! MAKE LIKE FLEETWOOD MAC AND DON’T STOP!

The second goal was a BANGER full of group effort, timing, and Tobin touch perfection! Thorn's midfielder Tobin Heath crossed a ball from the top corner of the box to the feet of Thorns forward Hayley Raso. Then Raso gave it a razzle-dazzle-dab to the center of the box where Midge Purce was waiting—seemingly wide open—to kiss the ball with her head and tuck it into the net. HEY CHICAGO! WE HAVE THAT JAZZ YOU ORDERED!

OOOH LAWDY MISS CLAUDY! THE THORNS ARE LOOKING GOOD! But, to be honest, even with an early 2-0 lead, the Chicago Red Stars look damn good too. These Red Stars are patient, precise, and UNRELENTING. There's something about these first 45 minutes that make me feel like this game is going to be a nail biter! The Red stars are thirsty!

Thorn’s goalie AD Franch came up with some monster saves throughout this match! Much to the demise of my nerves, there were moments when the Thorns seemed content to step a foot or two back and let Chicago take a shot from a decent distance. Luckily Franch was always on the ready and never lost track of the ball. There were saves where her arms seemed to GO GO GADGET three extra feet to make the save.

AD came with some BIG HANDS this weekend!
AD came with some BIG HANDS this weekend! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

Things started chippy in the second half with a series of fouls and near goals from Chicago that demanded some quick action and focus from the Thorns. But when Portland finally broke through the midfield, Thorns' speed demons Midge Purce and Hayley Raso were ready to receive with WILD VIGOR!

Midge Purce tallied her second goal of the match and the third for the team when she finished what Raso started as a pass to Sinclair and a shot that bounced off the crossbar. THANK GOD PURCE WAS THERE so she could bolt in the bounce. IN THE WORDS OF LUTHER VANDROSS, “NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH!”

To be totally honest, the rest of the match got a little wobbly and rough. These two teams seemed pretty evenly matched (despite the score) and their frustrations started to play out with some heavy hip action and tough play. It makes me nervous to see anyone on the ground with injury—especially this late in the season, because PLAYOFFS ARE COMING!

Try to keep up with Midge Purce, I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO.
Try to keep up with Midge Purce, I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO. Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

In the 77th minute, the Thorns fans section— the Riveters—chanted “Equal pay!” again and again. This happens at the home matches with hopes of bringing attention to the fact that these boss-ass women are only making 77 cents for every buck the guys are making on the pitch. PAY UP, YO!
In the 82nd minute, something smelled like donuts, yet there were no donuts in my vicinity. TOUGH LUCK INDEED.

In the 84th minute, the Riveters yelled: “Fuck Gnocchi” Which I found weird, cause why hate on ANY potato product? What did those little Italian balls of starch ever do to you? NO, wait, I think they’re yelling, “Fuck Yahtzee!!” Now that I can get behind! THEY HATE DICE GAMES AND SO DO I!! I am a Connect Four Fighter till I die!

NOPE, I stand corrected—they do not have anything against Yahtzee or Hasbro or taters, they hate Nazis. Yup, now I hear it, “FUCK THE NAZIS!” It’s a HARD NO as far as Nazis go with the Riveters... in case anyone was wondering.

It won’t be until Wednesday, September 11 when the Thorns play home again against the North Carolina Courage. TICKETS HERE! Meanwhile, you can catch a broadcast of their next away match in Utah on Friday, September 6 here on Yahoo Sports. Currently, the Thorns are number one in the NWSL standings, but with only a four-point lead on North Carolina, that primo spot can easily slip from under them! Hold on Thorns! STAY HEALTHY AND KEEP CLIP-CLAPPING ALONG!