Another Red Smoke incident at Providence Park!
Another Red Smoke incident at Providence Park! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The Portland Thorns defeated the Houston Dash 1-0 Saturday night at Providence Park. PIROUETTES AND NO REGRETS—THE THORNS ARE HEADED TO THE PLAYOFFS!

SURE, Houston sits in the seventh spot in the league rankings and the Thorns are in third. SURE, the Thorns beat the Dash handily in the last two matches this season. BUT how can you forget the last Thorn’s home game here at Providence Park on September 11 when our beloved Thorns lost 6-0 against our most abhorred and disliked foe of foes—the North Carolina Courage? WHAT A DOOZY. Like, MAJOR DOOZY DOT COM. Like, Exxon Valdez DOOZY. Like, bring a mop and a change of clothes I can feel it running down my legs, DOOZY.

Here's some actual footage from that game.

So yeah, watching the Thorns come together, complete passes and tie beautiful plays together to win a game really meant something. It wasn’t the performance of a lifetime, but hey, it feels really good when your team wins.

The Thorns maintained possession for much of the game and tallied a total of 19 shots to Houston's meager eight. WHOA NELLY! THAT’S MORE SHOTS THAN AN IMMUNIZATION RECORD! And that’s not the only way the Thorns dominated. The Thorns knocked 10 corner kicks into play and successfully completed over 500 passes—which seems like a lot when you consider they only completed 331 passes in their last match.

There was only one goal in the whole match but don't let that fool you—this game was CHOCK A BLOCK FULL of chances and near goals. Midfielder Midge Purce was consistently raising heart rates and connecting with Hayley Raso and Captian Christine Sinclair. Lindsey Horan nearly got the Thorns on the board with a header in the 33rd minute. HELLO DOLLY! NICE HEAD WORK!

After a fun but scoreless and frustrating first half, Tobin Heath was finally able to blast one into the net and score the only goal of the match. Thorns defender Ellie Carpenter landed a well-placed throw in for midfielder Lindsey Horan to run down and quickly pass to the center of the box where Heath was ready to blast. TOM SELLECK’S MUSTACHE—THAT WAS GORGEOUS!

After that goal in the 48th minute, the Thorns could just sit back, relax, and wait for the clock to run out. Maybe order a pizza or see where the new Downton Abbey movie is playing? NOT QUITE! There was still LOTS of game left and the Houston Dash were not ready to pack it up and head back to Texas. They were looking for any Thorns misstep to capitalize on, but the ladies in red were ready. AD Franch stood strong on the goal line as the Thorns last line of defense and made sure to keep the Thorns in the lead.

There are just two games left for the Thorns this season. Next week the Thorns will travel to Tacoma to play the Reign FC. You can watch the match on ESPN 2! LOOK MOM, A PROPER SPORTS NETWORK! The final regular-season match will be in Portland on Saturday, October 12 against the Washington Spirit. TICKETS HERE. Playoffs will follow shortly after, but who and where the Thorns will play is not yet determined. Get out there and scream your faces off for your Portland Thorns—headed to the playoffs AGAIN!

Tobin Heath has got it all. Style, grace and most importantly GOALS!
Tobin Heath has got it all. Style, grace and most importantly GOALS! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC