We got Tobin Heath!
We got Tobin Heath! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The Thorns fell to the Chicago Red Stars 1-0 in a semifinal matchup Sunday afternoon in Chicago. FLAILING ARMS AND YELLING IN AN EMPTY PARKING LOT—HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

With this loss, the Thorns end their 2019 season and we’ll have to MOURNFULLY WATCH the 2019 Championship match WITHOUT the Thorns. Sorry if I audibly gag when I type this, but the North Carolina Courage (Yecch) will play the Chicago Red Stars for the 2019 NWSL Championship on October 27 in North Carolina (Blegh).


I’m not bitter. ARE YOU? Go ahead, JUDGE ME, while I SCREAM TYPE this blog. I’LL BE OK.

It was just one goal that decided this match and it came from the top scorer in the league, Australian superstar Sam Kerr in the eighth minute of the match. UGH. SHE’S LIKABLE, COOL, AND SO GOOD AT SOCCER.

But trust me, the Thorns didn’t just roll over and hand the Red Stars the win. O HELL NO! There were HEAVY shots from Raso and Purce—and Sinclair and Brynjarsdóttir served some sassy passies upfront—BUT NOTHING HIT THE NET! The game and result were as disappointing as my child’s size Beyond Burger and seven fries I ordered from the sports bar I was at.


Look it was a great season—it was weird with all the national team breaks and stuff—but it was also a great season! I know you’re feeling like the Thorns were ready and worthy of another championship—but HAIL MARYS AND SACRED SONICS—how ‘bout we fold up our jersey, slowly back out of the room, and quietly close the door on this season? IT’S BEEN A WHIRLWIND AND THE THORNS DID JUST FINE!

In short, the 2019 Thorns season was riddled with adversity and triumph. We all enjoyed another victorious Women’s World Cup this summer when our US Women brought home the big win and widened the world’s eyes on soccer here in the states.The NWSL got a big bump in attendance and in sponsorship—COUNT THAT. In addition, Portland fans were SLATHERED WITH PLEASURE during the tournament when our home town squad broke through with hidden treasures while our national team superstars were out.

And oh, did you already forget about that new addition to our already beautiful stadium we got to enjoy for the first time this season? TOTES GORGEOUS. And guess what else, Negative Nelly? The NWSL is working on expanding up to three new cities in the next few years! Back up and take a look at all the growth we’ve experienced this season and give yourselves some consensual congratulatory hugs—WE DESERVE IT.


Here is what I’ll do. I’ll HATE WATCH the Championship on October 27 at 1:30 pm. I don’t necessarily like rooting for any other team than the Thorns, but JESUS ON A BREAKFAST TACO, I AM TIRED OF WATCHING THE COURAGE WIN. So yeah, I’ll enjoy watching someone else get beat up by the North Carolina Courage. GO RED STARS?

Let’s all take a deep breath a nice break and hope all of our superstar soccer sensations stay in the states for another top-notch NWSL season!

Razzle-dazzle em, Christine Sinclair!
Razzle-dazzle 'em, Christine Sinclair! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC