Campy Draper [Happy pre-Halloween! All week long the Mercury will be publishing classic tales of local Halloween horror from our archives, as well as brand spankin’ new (and creeeepy) pieces… such as this one!—eds] Looking down on the empty ice rink, an irrational fear grips me. Tears I can’t explain run down my cheeks. Below, […]
Campy Draper
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The Bachelorette Recap: Final Episode—Sorry to Have Wasted Your Time
It’s a tradition in my family to eat the hand of the bride. courtesy of @BacheloretteABC This is it you guys. My LAST Bachelor/Bachelorette recap. I’m calling it quits after this one because every season of this show is the fucking same. It’s like variations on a musical theme, but the song is a Nickleback […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 9—The Three Fuck-sketeers
JoJo realizing the Bachelor Mansion was built by slaves too. Courtesy of @BachloretteABC MICHELLE OBAMA JUST MADE ME CRY. Cry just as much as JoJo was crying at the end of the last week’s episode. Is that a stretch? Well then call me Mr. Fantastic. Speaking of stretching, Bernie Sanders’ speech stretched into the 8pm […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8 – Less Horses, More Hometowns, Still Some Horses.
Your hair smells like a nightmare I had once. Courtesy of ABC/Carl Costas Tonight’s Bachelorette was crazy! Is it me or does JoJo suddenly look like an expelled can of cheez whiz with a dust bunny on top of it? Man did she seem desperate trying to get everyone to love her tonight! Oh, that […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7 – Lotsa Horses In This One
“I’m so horny I could fuck a horse.” @BacheloretteABC The world is fucking awful. There is so much tragic and important stuff happening right now that if feels a little stupid to recap garbage like The Bachelorette, but I’m a completionist, so here goes. Check out my last recap here: who gives a shit. Episode […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6 – Kiss Me, Kill Me
That soccer ball is basically some dude’s heart. Oh hey there! I didn’t think you’d be looking to read a recap of The Bachelorette. I thought y’all motherfuckers probably blew your wad on the amazing Game of Thrones season finale. Obviously, there’s a lot of audience crossover. Basically, think of JoJo as Kahleesi, and all […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5 – Batman v. Superman Soundtrack Edition
Girl, it’s a nice kleenex, but I think it’s too matchy-matchy with your dress. Hey there Bachelorette fans! It’s been a long-time-no-see. There was no new episode last week so if you’re anything like me, you used that time to meditate, reflect, and center yourself. I found that it allowed me to find a deep […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4 – Beware the Lunchmeat Killer
I mean, if it’s aggressive to constantly threaten people, then sure. I’m “aggressive”. courtesy of @BacheloretteABC On Sunday I decided it would be a good idea to start running again. Remember Sunday? When it was 100 degrees? Well, I’m a genius. It was hell. On Monday all the connective tissue in my body took a […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3 – Rage, Rage Against The Dying Of The Chad
This is how normal people think/talk. courtesy of @BacheloretteABC I hope you bought an air conditioner during the heat wave this weekend, because last night’s episode of The Bachelorette made things even hotter. That’s a lie, the only way I can watch this show is because I have an empty soul—a hole inside of me […]
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The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 2 – The Rise of Chad
Only nice people give advice. courtesy of @BacheloretteABC Rose! Not the flower. The beverage. Oh, reading the bottle I guess that should be “Rosé.” Have you had it? Probably not. I’m just more well traveled than you I guess. I bought a bottle of it on sale for $6.99 to drink while I watched The […]
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The Bachelorette Recap – Episode 1: JoJo 2, Electric Boogaloo
Most of these dudes will be dead before the year is out. Courtesy of ABC Hello Bach-fam! Can I call you that? No? Well after watching The Bachelor with me last season my wife has decided to go hang at her friend’s house to watch The Bachelorette with her instead, so you’re all I have […]
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The Bachelorette Premieres Tonight. Sorry.
JoJo brings light to a world of darkness. I assume. Courtesy of ABC Since the last season of The Bachelor ended back in March, an empty stretch of time has loomed over me. An era of darkness wherein no love, excitement, nor spectacle existed. Life has been a grey monotone world complete with slow, sad […]