Thanks for nothing, 2006. Cinematically speaking, you were nothing but a big fucking disappointment. Let’s take a look at the shit you unloaded: RV. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. BloodRayne. Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Oh, and The Celestine Prophecy, you piece of shit. God, 2006, I’m so over you. I’m already […]
Erik Henriksen
With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.
Posted inMusic
Steve Vai, You Are My Father
Please Acknowledge My Existence
SO YESTERDAY I WAS watching Maury and Maury Povich was all like, “You ARE the father!” Maury’s always doing paternity testing, which is cool, ’cause kids need to know who their dads are. Trust me. I know. Or, like, I don’t. All I know is that when I was like six and listening to Aerosmith’s […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Snow Job
Snowboarding is Awesome Boring
Growing up among a bunch of creepy Mormons in Salt Lake City, doesn’t entitle one to many bragging rights, but at least there’s this: The snow there is awesome. Or so I hear, anyway, from friends and family members who ski and snowboard the shit out of Utah’s kazillion canyons. I’ve never skied or snowboarded, […]
Posted inUncategorized
Sip the Pain Away
Hot Chocolate for Every Occasion
I don’t know what it is about foodie types, but they just won’t quit reinventing old standbys. Hot chocolate is a great example: The childhood comfort drink has been given a grown-up twist recently, with several shops in town dedicated to selling fancy-pants hot chocolate the likes of which you’ve never had before. Whether you’re […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Bling Bang!
Shine On, You Crazy Blood Diamond
Jesus Christ, this is fucking ridiculous. “In America it’s bling bling… but out here it’s bling bang!” Leonardo DiCaprio dramatically declares, pointing his fingers like a gun to emphasize his clever wordplay. DiCaprio is Danny Archer, a diamond smuggler in Sierra Leone who has a heart of gold and a preposterous accent; when he’s not […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Down with Colonialism!
Van Wilder 2, or, A Dissertation on Repercussions of the British Empire from 1856-1947
In Van Wilder,Ryan Reynolds’ title character was the stereotypical Big Man on Campus, one who drove a golf cart from kegger to kegger and had the unfortunate luck of being saddled with Tara Reid as a love interest. But Reynolds is nowhere to be seen in Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, which instead […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Geek Out
(Some) Games Are Important
Gears of War Developed by Epic Games Published by Microsoft Game Studios Available Now for Xbox 360 “Die, bitches!” shouts one of the characters in Gears of War. At least I think that’s what he’s saying. I could be wrong—it’s hard to tell over the sounds of bullets thudding, grenades exploding, and monsters screaming. So […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Eff This
Fuck: Great Word. Stupid Movie.
Fuck‘s IMDB page summarizes the film’s aims pretty well: “A documentary on the expletive’s origin, why it offends some people so deeply, and what can be gained from its use.” Yes. Rad. That sounds great. Ever since I first unwittingly used the word, c. 1990, at my family’s dinner table, people’s reactions to the word […]
Posted inMovies & TV
The Tree in the Forest
Why You Should Care About Aronofsky’s The Fountain
Let’s dust off that old conundrum about trees falling in forests: If a tree falls in a forest, and no one’s around to hear it, then I don’t give a shit if it makes a sound or not. In other words, cinema—and art in general—is only legit if an audience experiences it. Yeah, this is […]
Posted inMovies & TV
The Rocking of Socks
Tenacious D: Rock, Weed, and Cock Pushups
You can figure out who people are based on what music they like: If I say, “Oh, he likes AC/DC,” you’d know exactly the type of dude I was talking about. Same deal with Garth Brooks, “Weird Al” Yankovic, They Might Be Giants, and Barry Manilow. And just like no one’s going to argue with […]
Posted inMovies & TV
I’m Staying Home
Ass, Gas, and Grass
With Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny now playing, it’s the perfect time to revisit that most sanctified of film genres: the stoner buddy comedy. • Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)—This movie is so close to my heart it’s tattooed on my left ventricle. Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott tangle with aliens, catch PG-13 […]
Posted inMusic
The Most Talented Man Alive
The Wit and Wisdom of Jeff Daniels
Ever since his show was announced—months ago!—I’ve been wondering: Who is Jeff Daniels? Oh, everyone knows who Jeff Daniels is, true, so maybe I should rephrase the question: What does Jeff Daniels mean? When a talent as titanic as his is in our midst, how does that affect the rest of us? Shall we dive […]