Gregory Tozian

New! Improved Movies! Though many jerks in the ad business think they’re freakin’ geniuses, at best, most are turd polishers. Shuttling to work in their black VW Bugs and Saabs, humorless art directors and copywriters share the vital mission of duping the unwashed mob into buying endless junk they could easily live without. Commercial moviemakers, […]

Imagine inkin’ tasty tidbits like Hamlet while people were droppin’ dead from the plague, and you had to wear those itchy fuckin’ tights!? Heck, even movie producers–those numbskulls–can’t resist adapting the wiggy Brit’s plays. Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend these your ears ‘n eyes: •Forbidden Planet (1956) One groovy s.f. classic! Walt Pidgeon plays a […]

TAINTED LOVE Valentine’s Day! What could be dreamier than a box of heart-shaped chocolates, your adoring sweetie, and a three-hankie romance grinding away in the VCR? But who needs crap like Sleepless in Seattle? Real love isn’t scripted to the plink of violins and lame sitcom jokes. It’s bizarre, shocking, possessive, and cannibalistic. Rent one […]

Even though most kids do deserve a lump of coal in their stocking, not even the Mercury‘s cynical enough to recommend you rent Silent Night, Deadly Night this holiday season. In that despicable slasher flick, Santa was an axe murder. However, with everybody and his brother pushing eggnog lattes and singing Christmas carols, it does […]

Thank Christ that asinine election is over! I mean, really. All that prattle about creating a third political party. Anybody who’s paying attention knows that American politics doesn’t have two honest-to-god parties. So, how could we start a third? Besides, did anyone honestly care which of those self-interested jerks pissed away our tax dough on […]

Gee, wasn’t our annual music fest nifty? All that strutting and fretting to ensure the 300 unknown bands who played this year’s North by Northwest (NXNW) will quickly become 300 unknown bands who played last year’s NXNW. We’re so jazzed, we’re straight to scarf an eye ‘n’ earload on this quartet of unfairly unknown music-movie […]

Another summer vacation is mercifully defunct–the stridulating small fry now swimming in their schools of lower learning, leaving our streets safe for adults. Still, one pities them their thankless plight. The “innocence” of adolescence is a lie: A Wasteland populated equally by testosterone-poisoned, pint-sized pervs and their hapless, victim-peers. Let us celebrate its horrors with […]