Walking Tall Dir. Bray Opens Fri April 2 Various Theaters What does a person want from an action movie starring the Rock? Well, if you’re me, you want two things: 1) the Rock to walk around with his shirt off and 2) the Rock to beat the living Christ out of a bunch of bad […]
Katie Shimer
Posted inMovies & TV
Jersey Girl Is Lame
And Furthermore, It Sucks
Jersey Girl dir. Smith Opens Fri March 26 Various Theaters Jersey Girl is not a film for fans of Kevin Smith’s previous work, such as Clerks, Mallrats, or Chasing Amy. Why? Because Jersey Girl isn’t funny, clever, stylistic, or crude. It’s just one of those middling stories about a crappy dad who steps up to […]
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Ripe Rules
Secretive Eatery is a Buried Treasure
Ripe 722 W Page ripe@ripepdx.com Some people get all the breaks because their parents are rich, they have a powerful last name, or they’re just dumb and lucky. And while it’s natural to be envious, it’s unnecessary, because these people live vapid, soulless lives and never experience the joy that comes along with accomplishment. Conversely, […]
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Bang A Gang
Or… “And then there was that time I went to an orgy…”
“Last week, when I was at the gang bang…” Trust me, this opening line is guaranteed to grab the attention of an entire table. Try: “Last week at the gang bang, I was thinking about whether my boyfriend and I should move in together.” Or, “At the gang bang the other night, I was like, […]
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Gravy, Baby
Mississippi Does Brunch
Gravy 3957 N Mississippi 287-8800 Of any meal of the week, my most cherished is Saturday breakfast. It’s always ordered in the afternoon when I’m completely starving, then consumed at a lazy pace while drinking tons of coffee and mulling over the options for the day. Unlike the Sex and the City gals, though, who […]
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Parisian Paradise
Or Something Close
Saint Honore Boulangerie 2335 NW Thurman 445-4342 Everything is better in Europe. The men are hotter, the air is cleaner, public transportation is convenient and efficient, hotels are affordable, the food is fantastic, and in most cases you can’t understand what anyone is saying, which I like. If you feel similarly–which is to say you […]
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A Hypochondriac’s Guide To Disease
The Chances of Catching Diseases You Think You Already Have
For many of us, simply going to sleep can trigger waves of paranoia. In the quiet darkness, we wonder… “Will a brain aneurysm steal my life tonight? Will I spontaneously seize and swallow my tongue? Is E. Coli spreading through my system from the undercooked hamburger I had for lunch? Am I coming down with […]
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Don’t Hurt Yourself
Comedy that’s Actually Funny
Martin & Orloff dir. Blume Opens Fri March 5 Hollywood Theater Martin and Orloff: Not a compelling title for a comedy, but a hilarious, gut-busting laugh-a-thon nonetheless. Staffed with the members of sketch comedy troupe The Upright Citizens Brigade, this film puts the Adam Sandler franchise–and every comedy I’ve seen in the last two years–to […]
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Late Day Rendezvous
Make The Hedge House Yours
Hedge House 3412 SE Division 235-2215 I usually shy away from brewpubs for one particular reason: kids. You see, micro-brew loving parents have found a loophole in the alcohol-exclusive system–during the day they’re allowed to swill Porter all day in brew pubs and bring their screaming, bratty kids. This is particularly true at the Laurelwood […]
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Pinch Me!
Try Havana Nights With Crackers
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights dir. Ferland Opens Fri Feb 27 Various Theaters I hate everything in the world one would consider cheesy, EXCEPT: love, sex, hair metal, and the movie Dirty Dancing. Starring Jennifer Grey (pre-drastic face surgery) and Patrick Swayze, the original Dirty Dancing managed to inspire the hearts of young girls everywhere, including […]
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One Stop Shop
Genies: A Harmonious Blend of Booze and Brunch
Genies Cafe 1011 SE Divison 445-9777 While no one can quite agree on how to identify “the measure of a man,” it’s safe to say that hollandaise sauce is the measure of a good breakfast restaurant. This creamy, lemony, egg-laden creation of heathenous sauce is, when done correctly, guiltless; entirely worth the fat and calories, […]
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Connecting The Dots
Carnages; Mysterious, Confounding
Carnages dir. Gleize Opens Fri Feb 6 Hollywood Theater Carnages is a truly bizarre film full of neurotic, lonely characters plagued by imperfections, secrets, and lies–whose lives intersect because of a bull. Trying to explain what happens in this film is nearly impossible, as it is the viewer’s job to connect each character to the […]