Oh my God. There is actually a blog on Marie Claire called “A Year of Living Flirtatiously“ and, oh my God, they have just discovered bicycles. In an post from June 9th titled, “3 Tips for Picking Up Bike-Riders” two Brooklyn bike shop owners offer this advice to you sexy anti-feminists out there:

1. Says Pete: “A woman should try letting some air out of her tire–and thereby give a male biker who might happen to pass her by an opportunity to be a kinght [sic] in shining armor.” (Or at least a knight in shining spandex?) “That’s something every man wants to be. So ladies, let the air out and look distressed….

And guys: I can tell you from my own experience that I love men who offer to help me in any way with my bike. For instance, I was once out on the sidewalk trying, and failing, to put air in my tires with my mini-pump when a bike messenger noticed my concern and came over to do it for me. This was probably seven years ago, and I still remember his name: Oliver. And since I am often biking in heels, and occasionally need to carry my bike up or down stairs in my heels—if I’ve taken my bike on the subway, for instance—I LOVE men who offer to carry the bike for me. (To tell you the truth, many of them often struggle under the weight of it more than I do!)

Ah yes, because even in 2009 women are most attractive when they are helpless and high heeled. I’ve been doing this biking thing all wrong, racing around town when I should have been pausing to practice my “distressed” face. Thanks for the empowering tips, Marie Claire!

It’s not that I’m against people looking hot on bikes but, hey, I’m just warning you – if your tactic for picking up boyz is to reel in guys who leap at the chance to flex their biceps lifting your Univega, you are cruising to snag yourself a douchebag boyfriend.
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douchebag – probably named Oliver.

So I called up the two sexiest Portland bikers I know — Timo and Esther, leaders of tomorrow’s Sexy Schwinnoritas and TrekTosterone rides for PedalPalooza and asked them how to flirt by bike.

Esther offers: Fix your own damn bike! Bike Farm is maybe the best place to pick up a capable, non-succubus life partner. “When you change a flat, you have to bend over and get into some pretty interesting positions,” she says.

Timo says: Carry a cute puppy in your basket! “Also, I’d offer them free pastries and coffee every last Friday of the month. Plenty of time to admire their bike and their calves. Makes you look hospitable but without looking aggressive and creepy!”

Thanks guys. Now excuse me while I go slash my own tires outside Half & Half and wait breathlessly for the courier of my dreams.

Sarah Shay Mirk reported on transportation, sex and gender issues, and politics at the Mercury from 2008-2013. They have gone on to make many things, including countless comics and several books.

12 replies on “Bikes Aren’t For Riding! They’re for FLIRTING!!”

  1. smirk, do you even re-read your pieces before you hit the publish button? Even a spurious glance to try and remove glaringly obvious typos?

    “against people looking hot bikes but” huh?

    And you also seem to have made some sort crazy logical leap from “helpful guy” to “douchebag[sic] boyfriend”. Could you explain how a guy who stops to help someone with a flat is a douche bag?

  3. Graham, she was probably too excited at penning the double entendre “courier of my dreams” to notice the prior rough passage.

  4. Sarah, I am flattered by your “charming” attempt at picking me up. You are such a flirt. Have you tried bike jousting?

  8. I don’t understand why we’re the ones who are supposed to be doing all the work to get the dudes’ attentions.

    A. No.

    and

    B. No.

    We spend enough time grooming ourselves as it is. That should be enough. ENOUGH.

  9. I’m just sad that no one finds it impressive when I pick up medium sized objects and carry them places. I mean, come on. Medium sized! Carrying places!

  10. Instead of spending so much time trying to attract attention, women could just start approaching guys. I usually like the girls who approach and hit on me. Right on for capable, go-getter chicks who know what they want!

    Who needs some lazy idiot with a flat tire?

  11. I’m more interested in women that know how to fix their own bike. If she has a pump and don’t know how to use it, I’d tend to think she was a little on a dumb side, and that isn’t attractive at all. If she doesn’t have one in the first place, that is a different story, but I think it was my second day of bike commuting that I realized that carrying a pump was a good idea, so it still isn’t great.

    If a woman wanted to impress me, she should break a cable off inside her index shifter, and then take it apart on the side of the road and replace the cable, (successfully.) OF course, I can’t actually help her, (nor can many bike shops,) but I would stop to watch…

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