I was in Seattle this weekend wandering my old stomping grounds in Capitol HIll, when I stumbled across this very not sexy bike.
See, it is almost deceptively sexy. The color of the fenders and the frame complement each other nicely and it looks like it would be easy to ride in skirt (an often overlooked virtue). But much like a dude Cher from Clueless would call a Monet, from far a way it’s okay, but when you take a closer look it’s a big old mess. Let’s take a closer gander!
It looks like someone got really frustrated with having the least sexy bike ever and decided to toss it in a bush in front of my friend’s building. Very neighborly indeed.
One obvious problem is this:
Some person, I’m guessing a stoner, thought it be kind of fun to replace the handlebars with a plastic fork. Maybe the idea was that the fork could be used to pierce a roasted wiener, a cob of corn, a small block of cheddar, or some other snack. I don’t know if this new feature is worth sacrificing being able to steer.
Also, there is this problem: 
The chain is broken and tangled up in the bush which is currently trying to swallow up the bike! So even if you wanted to bike over to Safeway to get more snacks for your bike fork, you couldn’t! What a shame! What a waste! This reminded me of this ridiculous shirtless guy who was riding near me at the Pedalpalooza kick off parade. He was riding this 1940s rusted Schwinn that must have weighed, like 1000 pounds. I told him that it looked like he fished it out of a river. He beamed and thanked me for my “compliment.” Then his chain literally deteriorated. I guess it just goes to show you that one person’s fucked up mess is another person’s treasure.
SLOG is way better than the Merc these days, sorry guys. Between the lack of posts and the content that does get posted (bike photos and old internet memes, yeesh) there’s not a whole lot going on in Merc land.
agreed. the whole profile thing is a good addition to the mercury, but the slog will still be superior until blogtown gets its shit together.
Buuuuut the Merc clearly scooped SLOG with this post! I mean, this very unsexy bike isn’t even in Portland…it’s in SEATTLE. Didn’t read anything about it on SLOG. I’ll stick with the Merc for my unsexy bike news, thanks. Keep up the good work.
Yeah, I’m with mentos and emily. Which is sad because I live in Portland, and I’d rather read the blog from merc writers…but I end up reading the Slog more. . .
We’re always looking to improve. Got any concrete suggestions of stuff you’d like to see?
I dont want to see bike photos done by people who appear to know nothing about bikes. That’s for sure.
Give me the keys. Don’t worry, everything will be fine…
I think it’s a safe bet that if you post anything that has anything to do with bicycles, you’ll receive a bunch of wankerings from insecure know-it-alls. It’s a drag… I, for one, like your bike posts, despite the comments.