First there was the panic. When the Portland Trail Blazers’ two-win,
three-loss opening to the 2009-2010 season mirrored a similar pattern
repeated eight of the past nine years, a shrill call for something to
be done resonated throughout town. Newcomer Andre Miller was not
working. Greg Oden resembled a lumbering dinosaur slowly descending
into a tar pit. Rudy Fernández lost both his shot and his
disheveled good looks. Hands were wrung, talk radio callers bemoaned,
and rumor has it that a call was placed from the gilded holodeck of
Paul Allen’s kazillion dollar pleasure yacht. It was decided: Start
three guards.
Regardless of how it actually went down, the Trail Blazers debuted
this odd three-guard starting lineup—Brandon Roy, Steve
Blake, and Andre Miller sharing the court and (sometimes)
the ball—against the formidable San Antonio Spurs last Friday
evening, November 6, and walked away victorious. Two nights later, the
three-headed beast reappeared for Sunday’s pillaging of the wreckage
that is the Minnesota Timberwolves—the result was a resounding
23-point win. It was enough to elicit a positive comment and sly smile
from the soulless robotic façade of head coach Nate
McMillan: “I like it. It’s moving.” He rebooted to the DOS window
before adding, “I like the flow we’re playing with.”
This flow says more about Dre Miller than it does Steve Blake (not
to imply that Blake lacks flow—he’s been known to give ’em the
“Gas Face” while bumping The Cactus Album in his mom’s Subaru
Outback), as the unassuming vet has the ability to distribute the ball
to anyone at any time. Blake’s finest offensive gift could be his
uncanny ability to lull opposing players to sleep as he stands
in the corner behind the three-point arch. Defensive players abandon
Blake like a newborn delivered in the ladies’ room on prom night.
Besides the unconventional lineup swap—which should be
effective in the coming weeks against a schedule of smaller lineup
teams—the Blazers’ bench has trimmed the minutes normally
shouldered by both Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge. In fact,
Aldridge—who wasn’t quite himself come playoff time last
season—is averaging seven minutes less per game this season, a
stat that will hopefully lead to him being a better-rested player
during the postseason run. Another Blazers postseason disaster,
Travis Outlaw, has rebounded nicely from a dismal preseason and
still remains the team’s best bench option. While you might credit his
freakish wingspan, work ethic, or simple Southern ways (Outlaw will
never be a man hindered by the sheer complexity of his thoughts), I’ll
attribute his success to the warming ways of the Snuggie. Evidently
available in a size that will fit a 6’9″ forward, Outlaw sang its
praises via his (unintentionally) hilarious Twitter feed (sample post:
“I’m focused… I’m thinkin like I got 2 brains”), dedicating 140
characters to announcing: “The best invention EVER is the
snuggie!!”
Sorry, light bulb, you lose.
We had a difficult time naming this column, so here
(in random order) are the alternate column names that didn’t quite make
the cut:
Don’t Blaze Me, Bro
Blaze Anatomy
Going Off the Rails on a Blazy Train
Blazed and Confused
Set Blazers to Won
Girl, You’re So Blazy
Blaze the Lord
FAILblazers
Twee’d Blazers
Blazer Tag
All Blaze Due to Allah
Blaze it on the Rain
19th President of the United States,
Rutherford B. Blaze
Ezra Ace Caraeff live blogs every Blazer home game at portlandmercury.com