On a related note, over the weekend I saw a hippie dude with a healthy, dopey, all-American golden retriever, and the dog had what was clearly an intentional dreadlock over its right ear. It sorta made me giggle.
To my idiotic American hippie “friends”: FUCK YOU. I have grown so tired of the wanky-panky half-baked pseudo religious ideas you use to basically explain being a lazy, coddled, easily frightened piece of limp penis. You like my dreads? FUCK OFF!! My hair does it naturally, unlike yours. Lemme guess—you used mayonnaise, pigeon farts, and regurgitated camel vomit to create those stringy gross things on your head, right? What, I’m supposed to think that because you talk really softly and drink chai tea, or weave your own pubes into safety nets to save drowning baby unicorns, or grow your own genetically-tampered tomatoes in your backyard, that you’re the shit? That you’re oh-so-much-more-enlightened than I am? I came from a third-world nation, motherfucker! We all had chickens and vegetable gardens! I had to fight tooth and nail to get here. The fuck do you know about fighting tooth and nail? Don’t you DARE use the fact that we both have dreadlocks to try and be my “brother.” Just because I have dark skin and an accent, don’t try and snow me with your wannabe intellectual techo-babble. It seriously makes me wanna eat your dogs and shove your hummingbird jizz-coated dreadlocks, your crystals, singing bowls, visas, passports, drums, guitars, and Tibetan prayer flags so far up your pasty pimply ass you shit rainbow gatherings for a decade.—I, Anonymous
Quit harshing my mellow, man.
FUCK! YES! A++++! WOULD I,ANON AGAIN!!!
Why isn’t this getting published instead of that stupid shit about ghosts sexing up your cat?!?
DamosA seems to be getting more and more extreme.
Word up. I’ve seen some white person dreads recently that you could COMB out… with a comb. They look fake, man.
And a quote:
“Dreadlock congo bongo I” – Bob Marley
Best I ANON I’ve seen yet. Preach it “brother”…
I guess you can only have dreads if you are from a third-world country, eh? Somehow then you have earned it?
And you don’t like it when people compliment you?
Oh, boo-hoo!!!
I don’t like dreads anyway, but dude – get over yourself.
Publish this.
You ain’t dreadier than me.
This is my favorite IA EVAR!
is “regurgitated camel vomit” redundant?
HAAAHAHAHAHA. I think all of Portland needs to be called out like this. Whatta classic.
Wow! Talk about moving to the head of the Angry Internet Commenter Class. Many first-world born Internet ranters can’t even spell correctly or come up with such inventive adjectives (that work as band names too).
Well done sir or madam.
Sounds like he is pissed about the white hippie boys with dreads. I’m with him there at least…
But he seriously needs to get over himself.
As if he is more ‘authentic’. Don’t even think to compliment him either. He has suffered so to get here!
The Mayor should call a dread summit. Clearly, there are divisions in the dread community that need to be hashed out over a spleef. I think there are legit reasons to use, or not use, hummingbird jizz when trying to look natty.
umad bro?
I wonder… should a darker skinned woman be called out for straightening her hair?
@humanclock Now, understand that I feel my own bout of self loathing for policing the social standards of a messageboard but I… can’t help but notice that you’re patting the author on the head for being able to “spell correctly” despite not being from the “First World.”
There, I said it. Now we can both feel bad about ourselves.
+1 Anon.
FAKE!!!
@ frankieb: What’s your beef? No comprendo.
First they came for the hippies…and then they took a few puffs and forgot what they came for the hippies for.
Fake – There are no black people that read the Mercury.
#22: COTW
Woo! Yes! Affirmative!
@mars & dmitrir: There are some Indian (dot, not feather) groups that grow dreadlocks. Or maybe the letter was written by a Komondor (http://goo.gl/fRnjV)
This is excellent. I’m going to print it out and scotch-tape it to my desk.
Sigh…the Mercury is pretty much a canned overview of why I hate this fucking place now. If you’re reading this, it’s probably your fault that this place is so fucked-up and lame these days. Used to be a time when it was awesome. GO HOME.
Gee, why don’t you just kick them in the kneecaps and let it go at that? I mean, white dready kids? Hell, NO ONE has ever gone on a semi-public rant about those, am I right folks?
C minus, my borderline incoherent friend.
This is easily the best I, Anon I’ve seen in a year. Should have been published.
Eff off posers.
If you’re dumb enough to hang out with white folks with dreadlocks you get what you deserve.
LOL @ mayor’s dread-lock summit. if that doesn’t win comment of the week, then the award should be discontinued
Let’s break down exactly how I arrived at that C minus:
Needless employment of ironic quotes
…immediately followed by ALL CAPS
“Wanky panky”? Jesus.
Shitty fashion choice somehow linked to impotence
Lacking arguments, relapses to ALL CAPS
Shitting on one’s antagonists because their hair isn’t like yours (!)
Unicorn jokes. Just that.
The suggestion that anyone who isn’t from a third world country doesn’t get to…what, exactly?
The notion that the rest of us know nothing about “tooth and nail” fighting, with gratuitous overuse of the phrase “tooth and nail.”
“Wannabe intellectual techno-babble”? Jesus.
Look, all of us think hippies are ridiculous. Don’t think you are somehow making any sort of unique (or even needed) statement here. It was a shit argument, bolstered by some assumptions that you may really want to examine before you go sharing them on the Internet.
What few points I’m giving you on this one are mostly out of sympathy, because I bet you actually are beset by real hippie morons wherever you go, saying shit only somewhat less stupid than what you think they believe.
So you came from a third world country to the US…and you seem to have a first ammendment rights issue with someone because they’re not like you. Yup. Sounds like a real progressive, open minded response. I do find it funny though, because you’re now a complainer, anonymously, about something so obvious as a hairstyle/lifestyle choice…I guess it’s OK for you but not everyone else.
Humanclock called it: Mr. Third-world-authentic-dreadlocks writes WAY too well to be who he claims. Sorry, I’m sure smart people are born in third world countries, and some make their way to Portland to write rants to the indie paper. Are you one of those people? PUHLEEZE.
::pulls out poverty card:: I lived in fucking Puna Hawaii, man. Lowest of the low, FILLED with the WORST sort of hippies.. the committed ones! They saved everything to get out to my land, so they could stop bathing, working, etc FOREVER. Believe me, poverty out there is as bad as in Haiti etc, except that half the people could afford to leave if they would lower themselves to ask Mom and Dad for a loan. Most don’t because they’re scared of having to think and/or work. Life in the tropics is cheap, weed is easy, brushing your hair doesn’t really come up every day. Real dreads just happen eventually, even to whitey hair, believe me.
I’m sorry that posers come up to you, but try to recognize that it’s a compliment. They want to be like you. WHY they do is a fucking mystery, but there it is.
However, you’re posing JUST AS BADLY by pretending to be the Authentic Deal. So the hairstyle is more common among your race. Are you knotty for religious reasons? Or because it’s easier than brushing, just like the fucking white kids in Hawaii?
Have pride in yourself, I’m not saying not to, but hell, the stupid kids are copying you because they admire the idea.. be human and let kids be kids. They’ll get kicked in the balls by life soon enough, why should you do it ahead of time?
I woulda agreed a lot more if you weren’t so pretentious and not raised in poverty, man.
Actually what I was getting at wasn’t me being suspicious of someone from the 3rd world who could correctly spell and write in such a creative fashion, it is just that they took the time to do so and deserve acknowledgement for it. This is something many first-world-born Angry Internet Commenters can’t even bother with when they constantly write two word comments about how much Democrats/Republicans/Hipsters/Lady Gaga/etc “suck”.
Wow! Snippy much? And if you are from a 3rd World Country, you aren’t going to have any American Hippy friends.
“This is my dark skinned dreadlocked friend, his accent is pretty thick, cuz he’s from the 3rd World, and he fought tooth and nail to get to America”
Yeah right. Lulzy as fuck. Just cuz you may have had a few chickens, or carrots in your “Yard” don’t give you any right to come here insulting our hairstyles, and our new age beliefs! And posting anomonously? This is AMERICA! You can say what you like here, and we’ll defend you for it, so what are you? Some kind of filthy Wiccan or Pagan type? Or just off the boat from somewhere like Jamaica?