Haunted bones, free to good home.
Haunted bones, free to good home. Courtesy Craigslist

From the keen eyes over at Portland Reddit comes this very bizarre Craigslist ad for "Free Haunted (nightmare inducing) Bones from Alcatraz." Here's the description:

My roommate scavenged these miscellaneous (animal?) bones from her recent trip to Alcatraz Island and brought them back to me as a gift. They have since caused ceaseless bizarre, realistic nightmares to myself and others in the house. We must be rid of them.

The ad goes on to say that the horror bones are "Perfect for art projects, studying priests, and perhaps shamans, or witchfolk." And in a thoughtful addition, "not for animals to eat. Very small, they could choke."

The owners are also quick to relinquish any responsibility for anything terrible that could happen to the new owners of the bones, but mitigate this by throwing in "a delightful fall scarflet" that the bones come in, "for you to wear at your leisure."

HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS:

1) If we're talking about the Alcatraz Island—home of the infamous prison for the worst of criminals in San Francisco—this is a national park. And I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be carrying anything out of there, particularly human or animal remains. That being said, Alcatraz is already haunted as fuck, and I'm sure they were happy to get these bones out of there. (Yes, I know, that was more of an observation than a question. Here's a real question!)

2) Why is this person's roommate gifting bones? That is a terrible gift, especially if one visited Alcatraz, which has a world-class gift shop. There are far more appropriate souvenirs, such as these official Alcatraz hand towels.

3) RE: "They have since caused ceaseless bizarre, realistic nightmares to myself and others in the house." When I was younger, I lived with many roommates and would also experience "bizarre, realistic nightmares"—but I think those were from a bottomless pot of chili that would be continually simmering on the the stovetop, and replenished whenever it got low. So my question is: Are these people also eating rancid chili?

4) The owners claim the horror bones are "perfect for art projects, studying priests." I hate art, and the only reason I study priests is to make sure they aren't molesting kids. Any other good uses?

5) Did a lawyer look over their clause about "relinquishing full responsibility" for whatever happens to the new owners of these freaky bones? Because if I'm reading it correctly, their responsibility is waived only if I have "bizarre, realistic nightmares." I think I would have sufficient grounds for legal action if these bones were associated with or brought about animated dolls, wet ghosts crawling out of my TV, or my house imploding.

6) And finally, TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS "SCARFLET"! If it is an official Alcatraz scarf like this one, get the fuck out of my way, because those haunted bones are MINE!