FIFTY SHADES FREED They’re married! Who cares?!
FIFTY SHADES FREED They’re married! Who cares?!

Fifty Shades Freed is the third and final installment of your mom’s favorite smut series. It opens with a wedding between leggy muppet Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and rich, chiseled red flag Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Then they go on an elaborate honeymoon and make out in all sorts of showers! This establishes the two running themes of this film:

1) Rich people aren’t sympathetic protagonists

2) Married sex is boring

Now, it could be because Fifty Shades Freed contains hours five and six of this boring softcore pornography that it all seems a little... blah. I mean, they’re married! Who cares?! Butt plugs and handcuffs or not, the tension is gone.

The filmmakers must have realized audiences were getting tired of these people licking each other, because at the end of the last movie, they threw in some half-assed villains—half-assed villains who show back up in this one to create some conflict. Between the sexy older lady, the hot architect, and the jilted former boss, Fifty Shades Freed tries its hardest to have some intrigue, but nothing works. This silly mess felt like one of the latter seasons of Gossip Girl, when the show ran out of situations for their main characters and so introduced some new, insane characters and then ran the whole thing off the rails and we all stopped watching because it was suddenly just too implausible.

Dakota Johnson may have created a charming near-human in her Anastasia Steele, but she’s still no Blair Waldorf. And Christian Grey is definitely no Chuck Bass! Ana and Christian wish they had one iota of the spark that Chuck and Blair had! Also, Chuck Bass could always admit to being despicable; Christian Grey still fancies himself a hopeless romantic, even though his possessive schtick is clearly VERY ABUSIVE and this relationship SHOULD NOT BE ENCOURAGED, which probably also could have been said for Chuck and Blair.

Sorry! Thinking about how Fifty Shades Freed is just boring, latter-season Gossip Girl with nipples got me all hung up on how good Gossip Girl used to be. I’d rather re-watch that than see rich people play with butt plugs any day of the week.