Patriot Prayer is coming back to Portland on Saturday, August 4 to fight antifa activists. Again. It's expected they'll bring violence, and even worse, Alex Jones, to the Portland waterfront. So why not go somewhere else and do something that doesn't involve being punched in the face? Here's a list of great events you can check out instead of getting into fist fights with attention-seeking alt-right turds this weekend. Most of these are even outdoors, so you can still enjoy the lovely weather far away from the riverfront.
Superheroes! If you have a child with special needs, there's an excellent opportunity out in Beaverton for them to meet superheroes, play in a bounce house, or get their face painted. It's the superhero autism activity day, and it's pretty damn wholesome. A press release for the event says, "While protesters and counter-protesters gather along Portland's waterfront this Saturday for the Patriot Prayer Protest, 10 miles to the west, hundreds of families with children living with autism will gather for a day of play in a safe and judgment-free zone in Beaverton." The event, which could host hundreds of kids, is calibrated for their needs with sensory friendly activities and spaces. The event lasts from 10 am to 1 pm on Saturday and is free and open to the public.
New park! There's a new park opening in East Portland! It's called Gateway Discovery Park, and there over three acres of beautiful grassy fields and playgrounds to explore at its location on 105th and Halsey. There's a grand opening for the park from 10 am to 3 pm (right when Patriot Prayer is fighting Antifa on the west side), so it's the perfect time to explore this new urban green space. There will be food carts, entertainment, and activities for people of all ages. And yo, there's even a skatepark! Will someone try to ride in it using one of those newfangled e-scooters? Only one way to find out!
Cat field trip! If you do cat ownership right and keep your cat indoors (where it's safe from cars, and birds and small mammals are safe from it), sometimes it can get sad to see your adorable fuzzy companion locked away inside. But now there's an opportunity to safely bring your kitty out into nature: the first monthly Caturday at Laurelhurst Park. It's expected that you keep your kitty on leash, but it's a great chance to socialize your furry friend far from the violence of the waterfront. Bring 'em around from 1:30 pm to 5:30 pm! Note: There's a massive dog park at Laurelhurst. You've been warned
Crawfish! You can also go to Tualatin to eat Crawfish at a festival for the tiny freshwater lobsters. Better yet, get some hot sauce at the annual hot sauce expo by OMSI, THEEEEN go eat some crawfish with some hot sauce in your bag (swag).
Pickathon! An even better way to avoid Patriot Prayer: GET OUT OF TOWN ENTIRELY! You can go spend a weekend on a farm watching amazing musicians perform at Pickathon. Here's who we think you should see at this year's festival.
Portland, of course, has tons of amazing events every day of the week. You can find a complete list of your options for Saturday on our calendar. But for the love of God, avoid the waterfront.