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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Now what is it that she wants? Tell me what is it that she needs? Did she hear about the brand new Benz that you just bought for me? LET'S GO TO PRESS.
The Russians meddle again... this time in Trump's talks with North Korea: Putin secretly offered Kim Jong Un a nuclear power plant in exchange for dismantling his nuclear missiles. Did Trump know? Or is he too busy shining Putin's shoes to care?
To the surprise of no one, US intelligence chiefs have contradicted Trump's ignorant beliefs on a number of issues including North Korea, Iran, and ISIS. Ignorant Trump responds ignorantly.
For reasons unknown, idiot billionaire Howard Schultz still hasn't given up on running for president.
"Billionaire" isn't a qualification. It's the description of a person who is hoarding more resources than they could use in 100 lifetimes while other people are starving. It's the name for a human dragon sleeping on its pile of rubies and gold.
— Melissa McEwan (@Shakestweetz) January 29, 2019
THE BEST IDEA OF THE DAY: "Democrats tap Georgia’s Stacey Abrams to deliver the response to Trump’s State of the Union address."
The Polar Vortex slamming into the midwest is no joke—Iowa is expected to be colder than parts of Antarctica.
Apple apparently knew about their iPhone FaceTime eavesdropping bug a week before they did anything about it, and made the person who was originally trying to report the gaffe jump through a lot of frustrating hoops.
Terrible, just terrible: Jussie Smollett, an openly gay Black actor from the Fox show Empire, says he was assaulted by two hate-spewing assholes wearing MAGA hats who poured bleach on him and put his head in a noose.
Beloved R&B singer James Ingram—who you may recall sang this breakup classic—has died at the age of 66.
I miss having a real connection w/ real people. My Community. From now on you can just text me. I won't be able to respond to everyone but at least we can be real w/ each other & I can share the unedited latest
& greatest in my world +1 (319) 519-0576 Yes this is my# pic.twitter.com/zd5q7KDMPZ
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) January 29, 2019
IN LOCAL NEWS: Ristretto Roasters—who got in a poop-ton of trouble after the owner's wife crapped on the #MeToo movement—went on a condescending Twitter rant, and is now in even more trouble. Some people never learn, I guess?
Another day, another new measles victim—now the count is up to 36 confirmed, and 12 suspect cases. If you refused to vaccinate your child and missed the last few times I called you a dumbshit, here you go: YOU ARE A DUMBSHIT.
A Camas woman has pled guilty to slashing her boyfriend with a Samurai sword after discovering Tinder on his phone. There are no heroes in this story.
Now let's talk WEATHER: Stay tuned for another dry, cool, sunny day with a high of 50!
And finally, Sondra really fell hard for this infantile (but FUNNY) prank. Try it on your mom!
