E-scooters: they’re coming back! On Friday!

The Portland Bureau of Transportation is keeping tight-lipped about which companies will be providing the e-scooters this time around, and how many e-scooters will hit Portland streets—but we can say with certainty that come Friday, this town is going to be abuzz with the near-silent whir of electric scooter wheels.

And, look, I’ll be candid: the Mercury has a little bit of scooter fatigue. Or, to be more precise, we’re getting tired of writing about e-scooters—because what we really dream of is starting our own e-scooter company!

No, we aren’t launching an e-scooter company right now—you know we don’t have the capital for that—but that doesn’t mean we can’t start building our brand by using the one resource we do have: our precious creativity.

We’re a keenly observant bunch, and we’ve noticed that all the e-scooter companies have very cool one-word names: Skip. Bird. Lime. GOAT (?). So, we’ve put together a few brilliant name ideas of our own. Here are some of our favorites, in no particular order:

Bruh (Comes with a free pair of these sunglasses!)

Sploot

Dong

Dive

Blort

Turd (Motto: "Step on it!")

Crabs

Skrillex ("The beat may drop, but we keep scootin.'")

Vape

Fucc (“Wanna Fucc?”)

Wheeler

Karen

Welt

Jort

Ned

If any venture capitalists out there feel inspired to invest in Blort, Karen, Crabs, or any of the aforementioned e-scooter company names, please get in touch at bstenvick@portlandmercury.com. Let’s ride the wave of the future together, and hope there aren’t any discarded e-scooters in that wave.