The USWNT busted down the World Cup door with a record-breaking 13-0 win over Thailand
The USWNT busted down the World Cup door with a record-breaking 13-0 win over Thailand Robert Cianflone / Getty Images Sports

WORLD CUP MANIA
The United States Women’s National Team eviscerated Thailand in their first game of the World Cup scoring a whopping 13 goals to Thailand’s zero goals in Reims, France on Tuesday. It’s been a total whirlwind of fantastical, early-morning soccer watching fun since the tournament started and the rest of the month is set up for more of the same. CHANGE YOUR SLEEP SCHEDULE AND WATCH WOMEN FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD DOMINATE!

WORLD CUP QUICK AND DIRTY
Not much of a soccer fan, but intrigued with the World Cup hype and don't want to look totally lost at the water cooler at work? I GOT YOU COVERED! Here's a little somethin’ somethin’ to have floating around in your cargo shorts to help you keep up in SOCCER CITY USA!

GROUPS—There are six groups of four teams in the Women’s World Cup. That’s 24 teams total for all us English majors out there. The United States is in Group F with Thailand, Chile, and Sweden. The US will play Chile on Sunday at 9 AM and face off with Sweden on Thursday, June 20 at noon Portland time.

WHO TO WATCH—The US won the last World Cup in 2015 which was held in Canada. GOD SHED HER GRACE ON THEE! And according to the federation’s rankings, Germany is right behind the US with England raring for their chance. But in my opinion, that which NO ONE BUT MY MOTHER ASKED FOR, the hometown heroes from France are looking good and ready for a good ol' all-American challenge. And not to mention Australia... and Japan! SO MANY GREAT TEAMS! AN EMBARRASSMENT OF UNDERPAID FEMALE RICHES!

HOW TO WATCH—Most of the games are at 6 am, 9 am and noon here in Portland. If it’s during the week, I recommend sneaking out for a “meeting” or “errands” during game time and meeting other soccer friends at female sports positive bars like The Toffee Club. I’ve also been known to catch the game at my desk while the rest of the office thinks I am passionately working on a spreadsheet. All of the games are on FOX SPORTS and the USA games are generally on “regular” FOX TV.

DRAMAS
Look, like I said, the USWNT is ranked #1 in the world and totally won the World Cup the last time around. Their game against Thailand was the last first-round game and the US was READY TO POUNCE!

Some folks were ENRAGED that the US did not ease up on Thailand after seven or so goals and FURIOUS that the USWNT celebrated TOO MUCH whence scoring goals. Here's the deal: Each team gets three points for every game they win and one point for every tie (AKA draw). After each team plays each other in the group stage, the top two teams of each group and the four best third-place teams advance to the round of 16.

Hypothetically speaking, if the US beats Chile (as Sweden did) and Sweden beats Thailand (as the US did), then the US and Sweden tie, the actual scores of those games will be taken into account to see which team will be #1 in group F, and which team is #2. It could very well happen that Sweden sweeps the floor with Thailand with up to 13 (or more) points and all those EGREGIOUS goals could come into play.

And with the complaint that the US women “over celebrated” their goals... how about we:

DON’T UNDERPAY WOMEN THEN TELL THEM HOW TO CELEBRATE.
and/or
DON’T TELL WOMEN WHO TRAIN TO WIN AND DOMINATE NOT TO CELEBRATE THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
and/or
DON’T COME TO SOMEONE ELSE’S WORKPLACE AND TELL THEM HOW TO DO THEIR JOB.
or, simply
SHUSH... I am trying to watch my favorite thing in the whole wide world. You literally just got here. If you think they over-celebrated, you should see me after I floss my teeth. I demand medals, plan a parade, and kiss strangers.

SOCCER OBSESSED
There is great soccer on every single day of your life right now—even beyond the World Cup. Look, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but if you're still reading this blog you are likely not looking for tips on how to do a good smokey eye, or how to make perfect 10-minute pulled pork street tacos. You are probably looking for more smart and sassy ways to support women's soccer!

Here are three quick and easy ways to support women in sports!
#1 Check out your local teams! The Portland Thorns play away this weekend in North Carolina. Portland is currently ranked second in the NWSL and even though nine of their starters are with their national teams in the World Cup, the Thorns are still stunning to watch. You can watch their games on Yahoo sports and catch their next home game on June 21 against the Utah Royals.

The University of Portland, Portland State, and Concordia women’s soccer teams are not currently playing, but tickets are on sale for their badass teams that will start their play in the fall. Be there for the action!

#2 Watch World Cup games, talk about the games, go to places that play sports and request that they put those games on their TVs, demand that your local new affiliate cover the games. And hell, check out the badass ads that folks are making with respect to women’s soccer.

#3 Dance like nobody's watching... ‘cause seriously this is Portland, plus it’s like 100 degrees outside and everyone is just too hot too care anyway.

Just get on board folks, even if it's just for a game or two. I'll be watching the US Women take on Chile this Sunday at 9 am then marching with the Siren Theater in the Pride Parade! See you there, sweeties!