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Trump tries witness tampering on former ambassador Yovanovitch WHILE SHES TESTIFYING. Wow. You sincerely cannot make this shit up.
Trump tries witness tampering on former ambassador Yovanovitch WHILE SHE'S TESTIFYING. Wow. You sincerely cannot make this shit up. Drew Angerer / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Mmm, baby, I'm so into you. Darlin', if you only knew all the things that flow through my mind. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

GOOD MORNING, IMPEACHMENT: Former US ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch is testifying before the impeachment committee this morning. You may remember her as the ambassador who was the victim of a smear campaign from Trump and his cronies (like Giuliani) because she was interfering with the president's attempted corruption. PLOT TWIST: Trump continued to smear Yovanovitch on Twitter this morning DURING HER TESTIMONY, which Adam Schiff correctly labeled as the crime of "WITNESS INTIMIDATION." Hahahahahaaaaaaa! Trump literally cannot stop committing crimes!

And this just in:

Meanwhile, the GOP is switching tactics again after being faced with undeniable facts about the president's corruption: they're no longer calling it a "witch hunt," because now it's a "distraction."

But Republicans are far more dangerous than simply trying to destroy our democracy, their refusal to enact tougher gun laws have led to the shooting deaths of two more students—this time at Santa Clarita, California's Saugus High School. The shooter wounded three others before turning the gun on himself. He's still alive but in grave condition.

In even more corruption news, Trump is asking the Supreme Court to bar his accounting firm from releasing his tax documents... because what does he have to hide, right?


In New Jersey, Uber is being fined $649 million for calling their workers independent contractors instead of employees to get out of paying taxes.

Headline (so far) of the day: "Three Indiana judges suspended after a night of drinking turned into a White Castle brawl."

You probably already know this, but... don't buy over-the-counter drugs at Dollar Tree.

IN LOCAL NEWS: Omigod, can it be true? Could 2020 be the year Portlanders FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY gets rid of our antiquated form of government? Our Alex Zielinski has the hopeful details. (Idea: Let's do fluoride next!)

Multnomah County Commissioners unanimously voted to almost triple car registration fees in order to seismically upgrade or replace the rickety Burnside Bridge. Cue the outraged anti-tax commuters who apparently enjoy falling to their deaths during an earthquake.

In basketball news I know nothing about, but about which I know you have a lot of feelings: "Portland Trail Blazers Reportedly Sign Carmelo Anthony."

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HEY SEXY PERSON! It's weekend number two of HUMP! 2019 and you can get your tickets right here. DON'T MISS THE FUN!

Now let's peek skyward at the WEATHER: A rainy morning with a high of 54 leads to a nice dry Saturday.

And finally, isn't the brutality of the impeachment hearing enough? CAN'T WE ALL GET ALONG??