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Rudy Giuliani is dripping with coronavirus.
Rudy Giuliani is dripping with coronavirus. Drew Angerer / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! There's a dark secret in me. Don't leave me left in your heart, set me free. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• Yesterday the family of Kevin Peterson Jr.—the 21-year-old Black man killed by Clark County sheriff's deputies on October 29 under very suspicious circumstances—led a march of hundreds in Hazel Dell, just north of Vancouver, WA. Our Alex Zielinski was there and has more.

• Related: Council members in Clark County, WA have declared racism a public health crisis.

• In Olympia, Washington, police have arrested a Trump chud who allegedly fired a weapon at counter-protesters during a violent demonstration on Saturday. One of the counter-protesters may have been shot.

• The US Supreme Court has refused to hear a challenge brought about by a group of shitty Oregon parents who hoped to overturn a public schools rule allowing transgender students to use bathrooms that match their gender identity. (Let's hope the kids receive the education these parents severely lack.)

• Due to a potential COVID-19 outbreak, the Portland Trail Blazers have closed their practice facility, though they are not saying who tested positive. (It most likely isn't Dame.)

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Trump lawyer and pants-tugger Rudy Giuliani—who loves to spread ridiculous election conspiracy theories while unmasked—has been admitted to the hospital after testing positive for the coronavirus. YA HATE TO SEE IT!

• Clearly corrupt Georgia Republican Sen. Kelly Loeffler debated opponent Raphael Warnock this weekend and spent much of the hour denying that Trump had lost the election.

• By the way, Georgia's Secretary of State announced today that the state will be recertifying the election results—in Biden's favor, 'natch—following two separate recounts. (Cue Trump's baby tears.)

• Dozens of armed Trump chuds gathered outside the Michigan Secretary of State's home this weekend, threatening violence if election results aren't overturned.

• Attorney General Bill Barr is reportedly considering quitting before the end of Trump's tenure, due to hurt baby feewings. (I wonder if he also think this will save his legacy? Because IT WON'T.)

• Today in "WAAAAY too soon": "Unidentified illness hospitalizes more than 300 people in India."

• Singer Bob Dylan has sold his more than 600 song back catalogue to media giant Universal Music Group. Prepare for years of hearing "Blowin' in the Wind" in car and hemorrhoid cream commercials.

• December 10 is your last chance! The brand new "HUMP! Greatest Hits, Vol. 2" featuring the sexiest short flicks from the past 15 years of festivals! (Look, you NEED this. GET THOSE TIX NOW!)

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Occasional sunbreaks today with a high of 48, but the rain returns tomorrow.

• And finally, just in time for Christmas, here's SNL's Pete Davidson doing a spot-on parody of Eminem's "Stan"—except with Santa.