This couldve been YOUR coronavirus vaccine... if Trump hadnt blown the deal.
This could’ve been YOUR coronavirus vaccine… if Trump hadn’t blown the deal. Tang Ming Tung / iStock / Getty Images

Here’s your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin’!)

• Yesterday the family of Kevin Peterson Jr.—the 21-year-old Black man killed by Clark County sheriff’s deputies on October 29 under very suspicious circumstances—led a march of hundreds in Hazel Dell, just north of Vancouver, WA. Our Alex Zielinski was there and has more.

• The US Supreme Court has refused to hear a challenge brought about by a group of shitty Oregon parents who hoped to overturn a rule allowing transgender students to use bathrooms that match their gender identity. Our Blair Stenvick breaks it all down for you.

• Portland’s Columbia River Correction Institute has reported its first case of COVID-19 among its incarcerated population, putting inmates in a very dicey and scary situation. Our Alex Zielinski talks to those inside.

• Due to a potential COVID-19 outbreak, the Portland Trail Blazers have closed their practice facility, though they are not saying who tested positive. (Don’t panic! It’s not Dame.)

• If you’re thinking that COVID has ruined your holiday season, think again! The Mercury‘s Holiday Food & Drink Guide has arrived with tons of fun takeout ideas, as well as cannabis and boozy recipes! FUN IS BACK ON THE MENU.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Trump Screw-Up of the Day: Late this summer, Pfizer offered to sell the US more of its coronavirus vaccine, but the Trump administration passed on the deal and now the company may not be able to get us another shipment until June, due to their commitments to other countries. Be on the lookout for Trump’s book sequel: Art of the Botched Deal.

• Starting tomorrow, England begins its herculean effort to inoculate 20 million of its citizens in just a few months. And you better believe the rest of the world will be watching.

• Trump lawyer and pants-tugger Rudy Giuliani—who loves to spread ridiculous election conspiracy theories while unmasked—has been admitted to the hospital after testing positive for the coronavirus. YA HATE TO SEE IT!

• People who also “hate to see it”: scared, COVID-fearing Republicans from Arizona and Michigan who were stuck in the same room with an unmasked, and possibly infected Rudy as he farted and bloviated about non-existent election fraud. (Wouldn’t a fart be a gross way to catch COVID?)

• THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM: Georgia’s Secretary of State announced today that the state has recertified its election results—in Biden’s favor, ‘natch—following two separate recounts. (Just sayin’, but most presidents don’t lose a state THREE TIMES IN A ROW.)

• Once again, Trump has lost yet another court case designed to overturn the election, this time in Michigan, and… seriously, how long am I expected to keep reporting the same story? It’s like, “As It Did Yesterday and the Day Before, the Sun Has Risen Again.”

• Dozens of armed Trump chuds gathered outside the Michigan Secretary of State’s home this weekend, threatening violence if election results aren’t overturned. Man, I cannot wait for NASCAR to come back.

• This Thursday, Dec 10: It’s your last chance to catch “HUMP! Greatest Hits, Vol. 2” featuring the sexiest short flicks from the past 15 years of festivals! (Look, you NEED this. GET THOSE TIX NOW!)

• The results are in, and the people have spoken: YOU LOVE GOOD AFTERNOON, NEWS! Never miss a single informative, entertaining post by subscribing HERE.

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Scattered showers tomorrow with a high of 50!

• And finally… guys. Ya masturbate too much. Especially to beige-colored bras. Which is exactly why you should watch this.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)