Acting Homeland Security Chief Chad Chode Wolf mysteriously resigns.
Acting Homeland Security Chief Chad "Chode" Wolf mysteriously resigns. Samuel Corum / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• Today after traitorous Republicans in Congress refused to agree to ask Veep Mike Pence to invoke the 25th Amendment, the US House of Representatives introduced articles of impeachment against Donald Trump, charging him with “inciting violence against the government of the United States.” Sounds about right—but here's what's tricky: The impeachment, if passed, won't get to the Senate until after Trump leaves office, but he will have a better chance of getting convicted under a Democatic-controlled Senate... that will be very busy trying to push through Biden's agenda, which includes COVID relief. Buckle up for a busy late winter!

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• Acting homeland security secretary Chad "Chode" Wolf—the same douche-sicle who sent Federal agents to attack and kidnap Portland protesters—is skittering away stepping down from his post—probably because he doesn't want to be involved in any attempt to invoke the 25th Amendment on the prez. This has been today's "PROFILE IN COURAGE."

• And the fallout from last week's attempted coup on the nation's Capitol building continues! On Sunday, former Capitol Police Chief Steven Sund told the Washington Post that he had requested support from the DC National Guard SIX TIMES before and during Wednesday's riot, and that each request was denied—because the higher-ups allegedly thought it would "look bad." Maybe they don't realize that headlines, like the following, also make them "look bad": "Video shows mob dragging a police officer down stairs. One rioter beat the officer with an American flag pole."

• Two Black Capitol police officers tell a harrowing story to Buzzfeed about being abandoned by their supervisors during last week's insurrection, and fighting off "racist-ass terrorists." A VERY apt description.

• Two other Capitol cops—one of whom took a selfie with the domestic terrorists—has been suspended from duty, and 10 to 15 more are reportedly under investigation for their roles in the attempted takeover.

• And it looks like there's more trouble to come, as the FBI is warning there will likely be armed chud protests at the capitols of all 50 states in the lead up to Biden's inauguration. (*cackling witch voice* "All the better to arrest and imprison you, my dear!")

Melania Trump issued a lengthy statement offering her un-asked for opinion on the Capitol attack... but "I Don't Really Care, Do U?"

• The "Okay... imprison every last one of them" headline of the day: "Manatee spotted with the word 'TRUMP' carved in its back."

• Over the weekend Twitter not only permanently booted Trump from their platform, but thousands of election-fraud conspiracy theorists as well. Meanwhile Parler—the social media platform of choice for emotionally delicate domestic terrorists—had their plug pulled by Amazon, Google, and Apple. Naturally, the far-right butter dicks are screaming "CENSORSHIP!", "CANCEL CULTURE!", and "BUT MAH FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS!" In response, here's a fun little piece by yours truly on why these butt-hurt daisies are full of shit.

• The New York State Bar Association is discussing whether or not to remove pant-tugging, babbling gargoyle Rudy Giuliani from their organization.

• Veteran spies heaped lots of praise on Biden's choice of career diplomat William Burns to be the next CIA director before pushing the eject button and launching themselves out of their 1963 Aston Martin.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• A suspected right-wing chode has been charged with jumping the fence at Portland's downtown Justice Center and firing a 9mm pistol into the plywood that covers the building. (Yup, sounds right on brand.)

• Today in "well, how about that": At least three people who attended the December 21 attack on the Oregon Capitol during 2020's final special legislative session were in DC for the storming of the US Capitol. (Now it's time to find out how many Oregon cops were in attendance.)

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• As suspected, Oregon's COVID cases are shooting upward, and the primary suspects are those who violated state rules by attending holiday shindigs.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Lots and lots of rain tomorrow with a high of 54.

• And finally, will somebody come get this guy?