Welp, the story of the mayor pepper spraying someone just got... much... weirder.
Welp, the story of the mayor pepper spraying someone just got... much... weirder. Nathan Howard / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• To the surprise of no one (except those foreign to the concept of corruption), most GOP senators voted against holding an impeachment trial to convict the seditious, riot inciting Donald Trump. This is not good news, as it indicates that Republicans are willing to let the former president get away with his crimes, because they are still deathly afraid of the political power he holds over them (like the craven cowards they are).

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• But here's some positive Senate news: Newly crowned Senate MINORITY Turtle Mitch McConnell has caved to the demands of Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, and is no longer demanding protection of the filibuster. This puts control of the Senate firmly in the grasp of Democrats, making the road to passing Biden's plans (such as raising the minimum wage and passing a sweeping COVID relief plan) much easier. STAY IN YOUR SHELL, McCONNELL!

• Busy Bee Biden phoned former Trump puppeteer Vladimir Putin today to discuss arms control as well as calling bullshit on Russia's attempts to interfere with our elections and putting bounties on the heads of US troops—in short, all the things Trump felt too awkward to discuss.

• In other Busy Bee news, today Biden also signed four racial equity executive actions (including banning discriminatory housing policy, and federally run private prisons), and is moving to purchase 200 million COVID vaccine doses that is expected to be distributed this summer.

• A Texas federal judge has put a damper on Biden's sweeping immigration plan by temporarily blocking the president's 100-day deportation moratorium—and surprise, surprise! The federal judge was a Trump appointee. In better news, the DOJ has rescinded Trump's "zero tolerance" border policy that led to the wildly immoral act of separating migrant children from their parents. Take that, racists!

• The CDC says that sending kids back to in-school learning can be safe, IF-IF-IF-IF communities commit to imposing limits on indoor dining, bars, and poorly ventilated gyms to keep COVID cases at a manageable level.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• The man pepper-sprayed by timber heir/Mayor Ted Wheeler has been revealed to be dairy heir Cary Cadonau, a local real estate lawyer and heir to the Alpenrose Dairy company. Here's our update on the story, but if you ask me, I think the Alpenrose guy is just milking it. THANK YOU, I WILL SEE MYSELF OUT.

• There are some more details regarding the hit-and-run attacks in Southeast Portland yesterday, in which a driver struck and killed one person and hit five more. According to police, the attack does not seem racially or politically motivated, and the driver has been hospitalized and will be taken to jail afterward.

• Oregon Gov. Kate Brown is relaxing some of the state's indoor activities rules, which will now allow gyms and movie theaters to reopen IN A VERY LIMITED CAPACITY: a maximum of six people indoors at facilities over 500 square feet. Sorry, the new rules do not apply to indoor dining at restaurants, which means you'll have to continue reading our Suzette Smith's weekly "Takeout Club" column which spotlights the city's yummiest to-go food! (Hell yeah, I snuck a plug in for the Mercury... what did you expect?)

• The Portland educators that will be vaccinated against COVID starting tomorrow will begin with elementary school teachers first, followed by any volunteers or support staff that's expected to have face-time with the young'uns.

• The Oregon Legislature is preparing to hear public testimony on two more police reform bills which include limitations to when police can use tear gas, a ban on police chokeholds, and a new public database for disciplinary actions taken against police officers. Our Alex Zielinski has more!

• CALM DOWN, KIDS! While chunky snow is currently falling in various places around the city, unless it's in higher elevations, don't expect it to stick. So your attempts at witchcraft (flushing ice cubes down the toilet and sleeping with a spoon underneath your pillow) is a waste of time.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you THIS THURSDAY January 28!

• If you need "funny": There are tons of laughs and some hilarious nationally recognized comedians on deck for the next I, Anonymous Show, streaming into your eyes on Wednesday, February 3!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

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• THE WEATHER REPORT: More showers and sun breaks tomorrow with a high of 44!

• And finally, congrats on the possibility of a $15 minimum wage that you wanted 10 years ago! Here's everything you can buy with 15 bucks!