Susan, take your broke-ass, trifling GOP COVID relief package and fuck the fuck off.
"Susan, take your broke-ass, trifling GOP COVID relief package and fuck the fuck off." Pool / Getty Images

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• A group of ten moderate (read: conniving) Republicans are scheduled to meet with Busy Bee Biden today to pitch a significantly reduced, half-ass COVID relief package that would take the place of Biden's $1.9 trillion stimulus bill—you know, the one that smart economists say is necessary to get the nation back on track. But yes, by all means, moderate Republicans! Continue to waste our fucking time when there's no time to waste.

• As you may have heard, Trump's impeachment defense team hit the eject button after the former president demanded they focus on election conspiracy theories during his upcoming trial. BUT DO NOT FRET! Because the "cousin of a lawyer" who defended Trump during his first impeachment trial is riding to his rescue! (Maybe next time he should just try Yelp?)

• And now it's time for "GOOD NEWS/NOT-QUITE-SO-GOOD NEWS": After suffering through the deadliest month so far for the virus, new COVID cases and deaths are dropping nationwide. In even more good news, the Biden administration has reached a deal with an Australian firm to make tens of millions of COVID at-home tests. That IS good news! The "not-quite-so-good" news is that we cannot drop our guard, like at all, due to the emergence of new virus variants that may or may not be knocked down by the various vaccines.

• Biden is threatening to sanction the country of Myanmar after members of their military staged a coup and arrested its civilian leadership, because... (*checks notes*)... they didn't like the outcome of their election. Huh, that sounds familiar.

• Because Republicans are doing absolutely NOTHING, Democrats are moving quickly to strip QAnon crackpot/GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of her two committee seats following her endorsement of murdering Nancy Pelosi, questioning the truth of the 9/11 attacks, various theories about lizard people and pedophiles, and... ohhhh, lots more absolutely insane stuff. Sorry, but her ignorance runs deep!

• A HUGE winter storm that dumped up to 20 inches of snow in some locales in the Northeast has brought vaccine distribution in those areas to a screeching stop.

• Dustin Diamond—best known for his iconic role as Screech in TV's Saved By the Bell—has died of lung cancer at the age of 44.

• Actor Evan Rachel Wood (Westworld) has revealed in an Instagram post that she was "horrifically" abused by her former partner, musician Marilyn Manson, who allegedly (ick) began "grooming" her as a teenager.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Here's something that doesn't make sense: In the "before-times," tourism brought billions of dollars into Portland and was critical to our economy—so why is it that downtown business interests are doing their level best to scare these tourists away in the future? Check out my opinion piece to learn more!

• In other infuriating business news, Oregon businesses who refused to abide by the Governor's COVID stay-at-home rules were conversely very happy to take $12.5 million in coronavirus relief aid. What's that old saying about "having one's cake"?

• COMPARE/CONTRAST: Home Forward, the state’s largest provider of affordable housing, has only evicted 11 tenants from their properties since April. However, during the same time period, Income Property Managment—the company that Home Forward contracts with for much of their housing—has filed to evict 30 people during the pandemic. (Ahem.) WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

• If you need "funny": There are tons of laughs and some hilarious nationally recognized comedians on deck for the next I, Anonymous Show, streaming into your eyes this Wednesday, February 3!

Support The Portland Mercury

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! The HUMP! 2021 Film Festival is NOW STREAMING ONLINE, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets pronto!

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Some heavy showers tomorrow with a high of 47!

• And finally, QUICK! Play some opera for your dog! (If they don't respond, replace the dog.)