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Gnight, folks! Next time you see me, Ill probably be in prison!
"G'night, folks! Next time you see me, I'll probably be in prison!" Scott Olson / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Body's in withdrawal, every time you take me away. Can't you hear me callin'? Beggin' you to come out and play? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

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IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Portland city attorneys have agreed to pay more than $2 million to settle a federal lawsuit filed by the family of Quanice Hayes, a Black teenager who was fatally shot by a Portland cop in 2017. There were a LOT of sketchy aspects to this shooting, and our Alex Zielinski breaks it all down for you along with quotes from the family and more.

• A cafe in Florence, Oregon has been fined a whopping $18,000 for flouting the governor's mandatory safety rules, serving their customers indoors since December, willfully exposed their employees to COVID-19, AND threatening compliance officers with weapons when they arrived on the scene.

• A communication breakdown between the Portland mayor and city commissioner has the residents of Hazelnut Grove, the tiny house village that's currently home to 17 formerly houseless people, wondering when or if they're going to be kicked out. Our Alex Zielinski has more!

• A new Mercury reader wrote in to complain about an article that contained (prepare to grasp your pearls) the word "fuck." The Mercury's fucking editor-in-fucking-chief Wm. Steven Humphrey (hey, that's me!) fucking responded to that fucking criticism, you better fucking believe it.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Good news: According to US regulators, the new Johnson & Johnson one-dose COVID-19 vaccine has been deemed safe and effective at preventing the virus, and pending final approval, could give us all one more weapon in our arsenal.

• More good news: Global coronavirus deaths fell by 20 percent last week compared to the week before, according to the World Health Organization.

• Even more positive news: Vaccine makers, Pfizer and Moderna, announced they are significantly ramping up production to the point where they think most Americans can get vaccinated by summer! (This is good news, because I don't have a mask that matches my thong.)

• Capitol police allegedly received an FBI email the night before the January 6 domestic terrorist attack that warned of coming violence. But they reportedly didn't see it, and also, isn't getting this type of information to the people who need it worth more than a simple email?

• It looks like Biden's nomination of Neera Tanden to lead the White House Budget Office is in danger because she apparently lacks the votes needed to be confirmed (thanks to racism/sexism).

• Trump's deeply gross son, Don Jr., is allegedly being given a hard look by the Manhattan District Attorney's office as they dig deeper into the former president's criminal enterprises.

• Tiger Woods is awake and recovering after a roll-over car crash yesterday that severely fractured both of his legs, and endangering his golf career.

• Get ready to party HARD in the third installment of the Mercury Music Series, with a livestream concert from super fun Portland rapper/singer/producer FOUNTAINE, coming at ya on March 11! Snap up those tix, babies!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! The HUMP! 2021 Film Festival is NOW STREAMING ONLINE, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets pronto!

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• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Finally, a legit mostly sunny day today with a high around 49.

• And finally, your mission—if you choose to accept it—GET THE COOKIE.