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Not only was Dolly vaccinated—she wrote a song about it! SQUEEEEEE!!
Not only was Dolly vaccinated—she wrote a song about it! SQUEEEEEE!! Jason Kempin / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! If you get hurt (if you get hurt) by the little things I say, I can put that smile back on your face. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• A small group of Oregon Democrats are floating the idea of a statewide $17 minimum wage—though it faces an uphill battle due to business interests and Republican legislators who will walk off the job at the drop of a hat.

• A West Linn cop has been accused of being drunk and racially harassing a man after following him home. The cop was then joined by two other officers who allegedly detained the victim but let him go after passing a sobriety test. The case is under investigation.

• Once schools fully reopen for in-person learning we can expect Oregon school districts to quickly burn through the money allocated to them from the federal government, because as it turns out, it costs A LOT to keep classrooms hygienic and kids safely apart.

• The Brazilian variant of COVID-19—which scientists say has reinfected people who were previously immune to the virus—has appeared for the first time on the West Coast in Oregon's own Douglas County. In short, WASH YA DAMN HANDS, WEAR YA DAMN MASK, KEEP YA DAMN DISTANCE.

• Lobbyists for the Oregon timber industry are screaming for the legislature to hit the brakes on new taxes, claiming their business is "on the ropes." Question: Are the ropes made of solid gold? Because according to this interesting OPB article, timber profits are soaring and their prices are higher than ever.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• It took more than three loooooong hours for the Defense Department to send the National Guard to assist Capitol Police during the domestic terrorist attack on January 6, and even then there were "unusual restrictions" placed on the troops that weren't there when they were sent to the protect the Capitol during Black Lives Matter protests last summer. All together now: HMMMMMMMMM.

• After Texas Governor Gregg Abbott invited even more death into his state by lifting the mask mandate and allowing all businesses to re-open, various businesses and local officials — including members of Abbott’s own party — are now pleading with him to reconsider. Hundreds of people are dying in Texas every day.

• In a desperate attempt to pass his $1.9 trillion COVID relief package as it heads for a Senate vote, Biden has bent to the whims of moderate Democrats, and will narrow the eligibility of those receiving stimulus checks, phasing them out for those making $80,000 per year and couples making $160,000 a year or higher.

• Today in "Right On Brand": Republican Rep. Ronny Jackson of Texas, who also served as a White House physician under Obama and Trump, is accused of acting inappropriately on the job, which includes being drinking booze, popping Ambien, and berating and sexually harassing his coworkers.

• Dolly Parton has been vaccinated: It is a relief to hear that Ms. Parton, one of our greatest natural resources, has been protected. Of course she had a song about it.

• Get ready to party HARD in the third installment of the Mercury Music Series, with a livestream concert from super fun Portland rapper/singer/producer FOUNTAINE, coming at ya on March 11! Snap up those tix, babies!

• If you love laughing your gutz out, don't miss TONIGHT'S I, Anonymous Show, featuring lots of anonymous confessions and rants along with a murderer's row of hilarious comedians, like Shain Brenden, Arlo Weierhauser, and special guest, Matt Braunger! Get your sliding-scale tickets here!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Another mostly sunny afternoon today with a high around 57!

• And finally, you know, I really expected better from a husband who wears Crocs, cargo shorts, and drives a street-legal jet ski.