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Believe it or not, dipshit podcaster Joe Rogans favorite fake COVID cure doesnt work... like, AT ALL.
Believe it or not, dipshit podcaster Joe Rogan's favorite fake COVID cure doesn't work... like, AT ALL. Callista Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Looks like a rainy, showery weekend with highs in the low 50s—which sounds like perfect DRINKIN' WEATHER, if you get my drift. Now, LET'S GET AFTER SOME NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• According to a new poll, Portlanders OVERWHELMINGLY support changing the city's "commission" form of government which is super-duper antiquated, and Abe Asher breaks down what the poll reveals and how changing our city government could also change the political landscape very quickly. (Note: Just so we're clear, I've been pushing for this change for the last 20 FREAKING YEARS, so thanks for finally jumping on the Humpy bus. And maybe next time I say something? You'll be more amenable to the idea!)

• Due to staffing reductions in the Multnomah County District Attorney's office and a "crushing" caseload, the office has lost 12 prosecutors in the last year, a chief deputy attorney said in a press conference yesterday. Currently they're reaching out to other areas of the country to lure prosecutors to Portland.

• Reproductive rights advocates in Oregon have been anticipating the day when Idaho would pass restrictive anti-abortion laws (like they're about to), forcing the women of that state to search elsewhere for the medical procedure. Luckily they're prepared, but can still use our help. Our Alex Zielinski talked to these advocates about their needs and plans for the uncertain future.

• Meanwhile, Washington Gov. Jay Inslee has signed a measure that would ban Texas and Idaho-style anti-abortion laws prohibiting people taking legal action against those helping anyone seeking an abortion.

• "Gaaaaah! Why does this nutria have ORANGE TEETH?" Answer that question and more in this week's sassy-ass local trivia game, POP QUIZ PDX! (Plus, you get to choose which Portland neighborhood has the WORST drivers!)

• Tickets for lotsa cool bands go on sale TODAY, get 'em, get 'em, get 'em!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• In Ukraine, while 130 people have been rescued so far from the rubble of a theater in Mariupol that was bombed by the Russians, hundreds more remain unaccounted for. Meanwhile Russian missiles have been pounding the airport at Lviv, as President Biden is speaking to China's leader Xi Jinping to discuss how each country will navigate the Ukraine crisis, and look for common ground.

• This headline tracks: "More than two dozen Senate Republicans demand Biden do more for Ukraine after voting against $13.6 billion for Ukraine."

• Moderna has now joined Pfizer is asking the FDA to approve an additional (that would make it the fourth) COVID booster shot for all adults.

• Wait... wait... wait, wait, WAIT! Are you telling me that scientists have proven that dipshit podcaster Joe Rogan's favorite fake COVID cure (ivermectin) doesn't work... like, AT ALL? I'd like a second opinion from Tucker Carlson, please!

• Cancel fragile newspaper editorial boards:

• SNL star (and Kanye West foil) Pete Davidson will no longer ride along on the next Blue Origin edge-of-space launch, according to the company, probably because of a schedule conflict. (I'm sure the other white privileged passengers will be crushed.)

• Feeling thirsty? Then get ready for the boozy fun of the Mercury’s HIGHBALL—a week of specialty cocktails mixed by the city’s best bartenders… and for only $6 each! And it's happening RIGHT NOW through this SUNDAY, March 20!

• And finally, if you're moving to LA to make it big... well, this will be you in a year.

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The 4th annual Portland Sketch Comedy Festival
Sketch comedy troupes from all over N. America descend on The Siren Theater for 3 glorious nights.