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Another baaaaaaad day for Donald Trump during todays edition of the January 6 hearings.
Another baaaaaaad day for Donald Trump during today's edition of the January 6 hearings. Pool / Getty Images

GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! So I had a long conversation with the ants who have been dog-piling into my house ever since the heavy rains started, and we've come to an agreement: They have agreed to leave my domicile as soon as the rain ceases (which is going to be Wednesday when it will be sunny with a high of 77), if I agree to throw at least three Oreos into the compost bin every day for a week. Those little fuckers drive a hard bargain. Now, IN OTHER NEWS....

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IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Looks like we've come to the end of the trashiest Portland true crime story of the year: Romance novelist Nancy Crampton Brophy has been sentenced to life in prison for the (rather clumsy, if I may say so) murder of her husband, and won't be eligible for parole until she turns... (*checks notes*) 97. OUCH, and goodbye.

• Okay, I'm really trying NOT to say this looks fun:

• And while it might not be true crime... it's close: After the interminable bungling from serial fuck-up/Clackamas County Clerk Sherry Hall, the ballots in that county have finally, FINALLY, FINALLY been counted—and they finished it by the legal deadline, which was TODAY. Hey Clackamas County, here's your reminder to vote Hall out of office this November, because... JESUS CHRIST.

• Looks like an Oregon man—Lawrence Alexander Norman from the small town of Prospect, OR—was one of the 31 domestic terrorist dullards who belonged to the white supremacist group Patriot Front and were arrested for showing up to an Idaho Pride event with the intention of starting a riot. (Note: There was only ONE person actually from Idaho in the group.) In a highly related headline: "Police in Idaho are getting death threats after arresting Patriot Front members."

• Here at the Mercury we celebrate queer pride all damn year long. So our long-held tradition of a June Queer Guide, that drops the week of the Pride Parade, is yet another chance to draw from stories we've covered for years as well as dig deep on projects we think warrant a little extra time and bandwidth. And OH WOW, are there some good'uns in this year's Queer Guide! Whether you're queer or just a fan, you should check 'em out!

• Sandwich lovers rejoice! Starting Monday, January 20 through Sunday, June 26, get deeeeelicious $8 sammies from 30 (!) local restaurants. It’s the Mercury’s SANDWICH WEEK! Eat ’em up!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• It was another damning day for Trump in today's January 6 hearings, which continued to paint the former president as a flim-flam artist who fleeced his gullible followers, while former AG Bill Barr said Trump was increasingly "detached from reality" for refusing to believe the overwhelming evidence from all corners that he LOST, LOST, LOST.

• Due to fears of a recession, the Dow plunged a whopping 876 points today, and once again those dabbling in cryptocurrency watched their currency of choice take a steep, unwelcome dive.

• Hoo boy...

• According to the FDA, the Pfizer vaccine is effective for children under the age of five—though the CDC still has to weigh in with their opinion.

• Today in "Celebrities... They're Just Like Us": Both Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and rocker Mick Jagger have COVID.

• And finally...

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