"Augggh! MY BACK! Luckily this box is full of various cannabis-infused salves." Credit: WARRENGOLDSWAIN / ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS

Augggh! MY BACK! Luckily this box is full of various cannabis-infused salves.

“Augggh! MY BACK! Luckily this box is full of various cannabis-infused salves.” WARRENGOLDSWAIN / ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS

Life is pain.

Especially if you’re myself or co-author Suzette Smith, who greet each new day with a crick in our necks, achey feet, and/or endlessly complaining lower backs. And we’re pretty fit individuals, too! So even though we both exercise on a regular basis, how do our bodies thank us? By plaguing us with various muscular maladies that travel from our heads to our toes with little rhyme or reason. Until recently we both treated our infirmities with such over-the-counter medicinals as Tiger Balm, Icy Hot, and—of course—booze, but now we have a new weapon to use in our war against aches and pains: THC enhanced muscle rubs. But do they work, or are they bunk? Suzette and I experimented with five different brands of cannabis salves (all available locally) to see if they were any match for our decrepit, rapidly failing bodies. GOOD LUCK, WEED! You’ll need it.

Suzette Smith is the arts & culture editor of the Portland Mercury. Go ahead and tell her about all your food, art, and culture gripes: suzette@portlandmercury.com. Follow her on Twitter, Bluesky,...

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)