With newly legalized pot in Oregon, munchies are on the rise. But what’s a belt-tightening pothead to do when all the money’s been spent on rent and weed? Here are three helpful hacks to satisfy those snack attacks.
1. Top Ramen ($0.10-0.50) Take your favorite flavor of store-bought brick ramen, cook for only TWO minutes (keeping a slightly al dente noodle texture), and then dump the cooking water, replacing with a splash of cool tap water. Add the seasoning pack, a few drops of sesame oil and a few pinches of cayenne (or some sriracha) to make five-cent ramen taste like 69-cent ramen! Protip: You can stir a raw beaten egg into the hot noodles (save a little cooking water for this) and crumble in some bacon for ramen carbonara!
2. 7-Eleven Nachos ($2.89) Get the clamshell/tub thing with the little bag of stale chips inside, and take the chips out—but don’t put them back in. That’s how they get you! Just fill that tub with nacho cheese sauce from the hot-squeeze machine, and if you’re feeling brave, some of that glorious Cincinatti-type chili sauce. Add your favorite toppings. You can walk away with more than a pound of that sweet, sweet gold. Protip: If you use up all the chips before the sauce is done, you put the leftover sauce on top of baked potatoes.
3. Totino’s Party Pizza (≤ $1.50) With its sweet (but not cloying) tomato sauce, perfectly melty cheese and little sprinkling of startlingly bright green dried herbs, the Party Pizza is always a solid move. The Cheese or Triple Cheese flavors are both great blank slates, infinitely upgradable: beans, frozen corn, salsa and chopped lettuce make taco pizza-style; meat sauce, sesame seeds and feta makes Middle Eastern-style. Protip: Skip the pan and bake it directly on the rack for a crackery crust. OR EVEN BETTER PROTIP: Bake it on foil, and when it’s finished roll the whole thing up and eat it like a burrito.
GOT ANY STONER FOOD HACK TIPS? Put ’em in the comments below.
Tip 1: Don’t eat this bullshit. Eat some goddamned veggies. Buy whatever is in season from a farmer’s market. Toss with olive oil, salt, and pepper and roast in the oven for like 20 minutes at 425. Fuck, have some goddamned self-respect and eat food not garbage.
Riveting news Merc. Absolutely riveting.
SHUT UP, GRAHAM
@MELOGNA: I’LL SHUT UP WHEN YOU PRY THESE HEIRLOOM CARROTS OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS.
Nobody’s gonna do that, Graham, because nobody wants to touch fucking carrots! BOOOOOOOOO CARROTS!!! BOOOOOOO!!!
For the $2.89 you spent on nachos, I bought a pound-and-a-half of broccoli and made rosin out of it. It didn’t get me high, but my colon sure is clean!