Much like the Mercury Sex Survey, our first-ever Weed Survey is ready to hear your secrets! (Don’t worry… they’re safe with us.)
These questions probe the still-secretive world of Portland’s cannabis use (or lack thereof—you don’t need to let the active heads have all the fun), plus it allows you to weigh in on popular nomenclature and dish about your worst marijuana freakouts—anonymously, in case you are still in the cannabis closet (we want to hear about that too). The results will be published to coincide with Legalization Day in July, but we can’t do it without your answers! SO FILL IT OUT NOW! (Filling it out under the influence? Sure, why not? Sounds fun.)
- ARTWORK BY VINNIE NEUBERG
Weed Survey
Survey ends June 10 at 04:00 AM.
Your survey code is: ?
You can review your answers later by returning to this survey and entering your survey code. You can also bookmark the following link:
http://post.portlandmercury.com/portland/Survey?
ABOUT YOU
Age of You
Younger than 21
21-25
26-35
36-45
46-55
56-65
66-75
76-121
Gender of You
Lady
Dude
Genderqueer
Don’t worry about it
Your ’Hood
Southeast
Northeast
Northwest
Southwest
North
You’ve never heard of it
Employment of You
Service industry/hospitality
Business/finance
Office admin
Creative/arts
Barista
Unemployed
Cannabis industry
Nonprofit
Government
Rugrat wrangler
Student
Other
Highest (ha!) Level of Education
High school/GED
1-3 years of college
4+ years of college
Graduate degree
Doctorate degree
What my good mama taught me
Are you a hippie?
Yes
No
Let’s start with the basics: Do you like getting high?
Hell, yeah!
Hell, no.
Hell, kinda.
When was the first time you tried cannabis?
I was born high
Elementary school
Junior high
High school
College
Only just recently
The day my AARP card arrived
I will never smoke your devil weed
When was the last time you partook?
I’m vaping right now
Yesterday
Last week
A month ago
Six months ago
Last year
I can’t even remember
DEVIL. WEED.
How often do you get stoned?
Wake ‘n’ bake, baby!
Once a day
A few times a week
Couple of times a month
Once a month
Every six months
Maybe once a year. Maybe?
I can’t even remember
I say nope to dope
Where do you get your cannabis?
Medical dispensaries
Across state lines in Washington
My dealer
My well-tended plants in the basement
I have a buddy who hooks me up
My parents/grandparents/kids
What’s it to you, narc?
THE HIGH
What’s your preferred nomenclature for cannabis?
Cannabis. I’m scientific.
Marijuana
Pot
Weed
Reefer
Grass
Dope
Ganja
Chronic
Sticky icky (ugh)
Mr. Greensleeves or some such nonsense. Please elaborate:
Additional comments:
What’s your preferred nomenclature for being hiiiighhhh?
Medicated
Baked
Stoned
Buzzed
Faded
Lit
Ripped
Hot-stepping with a leprechaun or some such nonsense. Please elaborate:
Additional comments:
What’s your favorite way to get sweet, sweet cannabis into your body?
One hitter
A custom USS Enterprise glass pipe
Old-fashioned joint
10-foot bong rips
Knife hits
Only healthy vapes for this kale fiend
Edibles, duh!
Tinctures
Dabs—go big or go home. Wait, where’s home?
When did it get so freakin’ complicated?
Indica or sativa?
Indica! Give me a couch and some binge-watching, please!
Sativa! Let’s clean the house from top to bottom!
Hybrid! I’m a Gemini, so I like to be relaxed and energized.
Whatever’s around. I don’t give a stone-cold eff.
What’s your favorite strain?
Sour Deisel
Blue Dream
Bubba Kush
OG Kush
Afghan Kush
Girl Scout Cookies
Grape Ape
Trainwreck
Pineapple Express
Cherry Pie
Super Lemon Haze
Knock-Kneed Barbie? I don’t know… is that thing?
Additional comments:
Do you prefer indoor- or outdoor-grown weed?
Indoor!
Al fresco!
It could be grown in raccoon vomit for all I care.
What’s your favorite edible?
Cookies
Candy
Brownies
Soda
Ice cream
Pretzels
Crackers
Tinctures
Do you own a vaporizer?
You betcha!
Not unless my humidifier counts.
What’s your favorite marijuana mixer?
Alcohol
Heroin (whoa, that escalated fast)
Cigarettes
Coffee
Pills
Cocaine
More pot
Food
Sex
What’s your go-to munchable?
Chips
Ice cream
Taco Bell
Pizza
Convience store bounty
Fries
Popcorn
Grilled cheese sandwiches
Sushi
Smoothies
Fruit. What? I’m trying to be healthy.
I like to get high before doing the following activities… (Check all that apply)
Concert
Movie
Band practice
Thanksgiving dinner
Wedding
Funeral
Working out
Game night
Mowing the lawn
Work
School
Sex
Walking
Biking
Grocery shopping
Laser light showing
My favorite place to go when I’m stoned is… (Example: a Blazers game, to watch the Chapman swifts, yoga class)
What’s the topic of the stupidest conversation you’ve had while high? (Example: space aliens, Snapchat)
Why do you get high?
I like to laugh and play videogames
I just do it to be social
To make yard work bearable
To make sex with the husband/wife bearable
It helps with the pain
I have the ennui
How does marijuana make you feel? (Check all that apply)
Sleepy
Horny
Paranoid
Relaxed
Anxious
Lethargic
Creative
Energized
Stupid
Smart
Happy
Numb
Dizzy
Wiggly
Have you ever had a marijuana freakout?
Yep, it was awful.
Nothing too bad.
Nope, me and the jazz cigarettes are simpatico.
If so, what did your freakout look like? (Example: I couldn’t face anyone at my own party, I threw up on my mom)
Maybe you didn’t have reefer madness, but have you ever suffered any ill effects from getting stoned?
No, I can handle myself.
Yes, I felt:
Additional comments:
What’s your favorite movie to watch while stoned?
What’s your favorite videogame to play while stoned?
What’s your favorite band to listen to while stoned?
Do you get a pot hangover?
Yeah, my head feels a little fuzzy.
Depends if I go overboard
Nah, I’m hardened
Who would you rather smoke out with?
Mayor Charlie Hales
Congressman Earl Blumenauer
The PDX Carpet
A chicken
Your postal worker
Cheryl Strayed
Your mom
Blaze the Trail Cat
Other:
Additional comments:
Have you (intentionally or unintentionally) ever gotten an animal high?
Yes. I’m a huge asshole.
No. I’m not a huge asshole.
Have you ever used cannabis for medical purposes?
Yep, and it helped!
Yep, and I don’t think it helped.
No, but I’m open to it.
No, I just stick with ibuprofen.
If so, what sort of ailment were you suffering from?
Glaucoma
Cancer
Depression
Chronic pain
HIV/AIDS
Epilepsy
Nausea
Boredom
Other:
Additional comments:
Do you have an Oregon Medical Marijuana Program card?
Indeed I do.
No, I wish.
THE LIE
As of today, do you feel like you have to hide your cannabis use?
Oh yes! I’d be in big trouble if anyone knew.
I don’t mind letting people know. People who aren’t my boss.
No, I’m 100 percent open about my use.
Once weed is fully legalized, do you think you’ll have to hide your cannabis use?
Oh yes! I’d be in big trouble if anyone knew.
I won’t mind letting people know. People who aren’t my boss.
No, I plan to be 100 percent open about my use.
Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever hidden to get high? (Example: in my car before my quinceañera, in my grandma’s closet)
Can people tell when you’re high?
My eyes give me away.
Probably not, it just feels like I’m getting side-eyed.
Only if I spill the beans.
Driving while high?
Yep, I’m a Cool Hand Luke over here.
I have, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
Why, I never!
Have you ever been busted for smoking pot?
Yeah, by the cops.
Yeah, by my parents.
No, I’m clean as a whistle… those are clean, right?
So, when those cops busted you, did you go to jail?
What is this, a job interview? Yes, yes, I did.
No time was spent behind bars.
Join the Mercury’s email list! Enter email:
THE FUTURE
In this rosy new future, will you get high with your parents?
Uh… no.
Sure, if the opportunity arose.
I not only would, I have.
Will you be participating in Oregon’s recreational cannabis economy?
You bet your sweet bippy!
Nah, probably not.
If so, what will you be doing?
Growing or helping to grow cannabis
Producing edibles, dabs, or other consumable cannabis products besides regular bud
Getting involved in hydroponics
Sales (head shops, dispensaries, etc.)
Tourism, like dispensary tours
Designing/making paraphernalia
Marketing
Buying weed
Are you going to take advantage of the new law that says you can grow up to four cannabis plants at home?
Yes, I’ve already gotten a head start.
Ugh, I can’t because I live in an apartment.
No. My thumb is as black as my coffee.
Are you happy about the newfound ability to buy recreational weed in Oregon?
Ecstatic, more like!
I’m waiting to see how it goes.
Not in the least.
What’s with the closed ended questions where only open ended responses make sense?
For instance, my favorite strains aren’t even on the list. It’s not as if you don’t know better, because several other questions provide fields for specific answers. This is typical bullshit manipulation to support a false assertion. It looks to me like you want to be able to say the majority of respondents prefer whatever strains happen to be sold in your sponsor’s dispensary, as if it really isn’t just feral ditch weed smuggled in from Tijuana, anyway.
Okay, so I took the survey when it first came out and forgot what it was that pissed me off about it. Actually, there is an additional comments field for Favorite Strain. I must have listed them all on the survey:
Panama Red
Acapulco Gold
Michoacán
Blonde Lebanese Hash
Thai Stick
Oaxacan
Maui Wowie
Oh, yeah, the yes or no hippy question. Hippy is a derogatory term, coined by a cynical reporter in San Francisco who hated the flower children. We used to just reefer to ourselves, as Freaks.