MONDAY, MARCH 6
In dark days such as these, only one man can save us: Ryan Gosling! Or, y’know… a chubby German Ryan Gosling impersonator. “The Goldene Kamera awards, one of Germany’s most prestigious award galas, thought they had the Oscar-nominated star on hand to accept the prize for best international film on behalf of La La Land,” gabs the Hollywood Reporter. “Instead, they gave the prize to Ludwig Lehner, a Ryan Gosling double.” (Okay, let’s be honest: It would be more accurate to note that dear, sweet Ludwig is maybe a “Ryan Gosling double” after six or seven martinis and a funhouse mirror, and actually, let’s make that eight martinis.) “Good evening, I am Ryan Gosling,” Lehner, who is not Ryan Gosling, told the applauding crowd, which included Nicole Kidman and Colin Farrell. “I dedicate this prize to Joko and Klaas,” he added in his thick German accent, referencing the comedians who arranged the prank. And ta-da! Just like that, a “joke” from “German comedians” was more entertaining than anything in La La Land, the boringest movie that has ever bored anyone to death (of boredom). IN RELATED NEWS… Psst! Real Ryan Gosling! You are hereby invited to accept an “award” at our house, anytime. (Okay, let’s be honest: Ludwig is invited too, so long as we’ve had at least eight martinis and can keep the lights off.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 7
Brace yourself, dears: Today Trump’s spineless bootlickers—née the GOP—unveiled their half-assed replacement plan for the Affordable Care Act! Surprising no one, it gives massive breaks to the rich and screws over the poor. “Poor, older adults would face the largest crunch,” observes the New York Times’ Margot Sanger-Katz. “The magnitude of their tax credits shrinks, even as a separate provision in the bill allows insurers to charge older people substantially higher prices than are allowed under the Affordable Care Act.” Well, that doesn’t sound good—but maybe doctors like it? “Those opposed to the bill include the American Hospital Association, the American Medical Association, and the American Academy of Pediatrics,” notes ABC News—and the American Nurses Association chimed in, too, adding that the plan does not “improve care for the American people” and “threatens health care affordability, access, and delivery for individuals across the nation.” Oof. Luckily, the GOP had village idiot/Rep. Jason Chaffetz—last seen actively fleeing his constituents at a town hall in Utah—to fight back! “Americans have choices. And they’ve gotta make a choice. So maybe rather than getting that new iPhone that they just love, and they want to go spend hundreds of dollars on it, maybe they should invest it in their own health care,” the village idiot said, like a goddamn village idiot. MEANWHILE… “Call it ‘Trumpcare’ if you want to, but I didn’t hear President Trump say to any of us, ‘Hey, I want my name on that,’” ghoulish Trump lickspittle Kellyanne Conway cackled to Fox News. “This is serious stuff. This isn’t about branding according to someone’s name.” Oh, so the racist party that called the ACA “Obamacare” for years in order to destroy it doesn’t want the name of their ego-crazed dictator on their shitty replacement? Good to know! BTW and FYI, Kellyanne, Trumpcare fucking sucks.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8
“This check that I donated is a call to action,” Chance the Rapper said earlier this week, referring to the $1 million he donated to Chicago Public Schools. “I’m challenging major companies in Chicago and all across the US to take action.” Chance’s inspiring act came after he was “left unsatisfied following his meeting last Friday with Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner,” notes NPR. “The two met to discuss the city’s troubled public education system. Chance characterized the governor’s answers during their talk as ‘vague.’” Chance continued, “While I’m frustrated and disappointed in the governor’s inaction, that will not stop me from continuing to do all I can to support Chicago’s most valued resources, its children.” “Thanks @chancetherapper for giving back to the Chicago community, which gave us so much,” tweeted beloved former First Lady Michelle Obama. “You are an example of the power of arts education.” Okay, dears: Who else wants a “Vote Michelle and Chance in 2020” T-shirt? MEANWHILE, LOCKED HIGH IN TRUMP TOWER… For the seventh straight hour, current First Lady Melania Trump stared blankly into a mirror. Blithely unaware of the existence of both Chance the Rapper and the entirety of Chicago, she prayed, yet again, as always, for the sweet release of death.
THURSDAY, MARCH 9
Remember not so long ago, when we celebrated the glorious new age of transparency delivered to us by Wikileaks? Of course, that was before we learned they had become (or had been all along) a tool of the Russian government and helmed by Julian Assange, a man hiding from sexual assault charges. However, this week, after dumping what’s thought to be the largest leak of CIA monitoring information in the history of the agency, thereby placing agents in danger and further eroding America’s faith in democracy (much to the delight of Vladimir Putin), Wikileaks has realized it has a branding problem. “We have decided to work with [American tech giants such as Apple and Google],” Assange generously said, “to give them some exclusive access to the additional technical details we have, so that fixes can be developed [and] people can be secured.” OH THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, Julian! Thank you for offering companies classified secrets that could get them arrested for TREASON, thereby further damaging America’s global economic standing as Putin continues to rub his hands in glee. Oh, but there is another way Julian could put a positive spin on Wikileaks: resign his post and return to Sweden to face his rape allegations. (And also, maybe get out of bed with Putin? The image of that is just… uggh… too GROSS.)
FRIDAY, MARCH 10
Today White House Press Secretary Melissa McCarthy Sean Spicer walked into his daily briefing wearing his American flag pin upside-down. After being notified by the press in attendance, he quickly turned the flag pin right side-up… but not before we all noticed his secret cry for help. A US flag flown upside-down is an internationally recognized signal for distress, and this is certainly the case for Spicer, who is continuously forced to spin the ever-growing tsunami of lies spouted by his employer in front of a crowd of disbelieving reporters. Well, either that, or this cute story is just another distraction from the running theory that Trump is Putin’s “Manchurian Candidate” and is slowly dismantling American government and democracy. Same diff! MEANWHILE… A 74-year-old Connecticut man, Carl Puia, was arrested after destroying several of Kim Kardashian’s selfie books in a Barnes & Noble. According to the police report, “Six copies of the books were destroyed in the massacre and could not be revived.” MEANWHILE, BACK AT SEAN SPICER’S PRESS CONFERENCE… “President Trump has informed me that Connecticut’s ‘Kardashian Massacre’ is exactly why America needs a terrorist travel ban,” Spicer told reporters, before holding up a sign that read, “Someone help me… please??”
SATURDAY, MARCH 11
Today it was reported that a man carrying two cans of mace scaled the White House fence and covered 200 yards before he was apprehended and arrested by Secret Service agents just outside the South Portico entrance. Court documents reveal that, along with the cans of mace, the man was also carrying a letter to President Trump about “Russian hackers.” MEANWHILE, BACK AT SEAN SPICER’S PRESS CONFERENCE… “President Trump has informed me that this is why we need to build a wall between the US and Mexico,” Spicer told reporters. “Because… the White House fence isn’t tall enough? Ugh. Didn’t you guys see my last note? Please, somebody! I NEED HELP!”
SUNDAY, MARCH 12
Speaking of wild accusations, Trump’s so-far baseless theory that President Obama ordered Trump Tower to be wiretapped simply won’t go away. In an interview with the Bergen Record, senior advisor/mouthpiece Kellyanne Conway was asked if she believed Trump’s residence was wiretapped, and instead of denying it, she listed numerous ways a target could be spied upon. “Through their phones, television sets,” Conway said. “And microwaves that can turn into cameras… that is just a fact of modern life.” Microwaves? Turned into cameras? Cue furious backpedaling and denials! “I’m not Inspector Gadget,” Conway told CNN. “I don’t believe people are using the microwave to spy on the campaign.” MEANWHILE, BACK AT SEAN SPICER’S PRESS CONFERENCE… “President Trump has informed me that while former President Obama did not use microwave ovens to take pictures of him peeing on Russian prostitutes—because that absolutely did not happen in any way shape or form—Obama did spy on him using the following kitchen appliances: a blender, a rice cooker, an electric can opener, and a George Foreman Grill,” Spicer told the press, before firing a flare into the sky and holding onto reporters’ ankles while begging them to “please… please… please… take me with you!”