The unceasing iced coffee-slurping of Mary-Louise Parker on TV’s Weeds, assembled into a supercut. Thank you, Vulture.
SLURPEEWATCH
Posted inNeighborhoods
St. Johns Residents Vow to Protest New 7/11
St. Johns residents are planning to occupy some Slurpees next week, vowing to protest a new 7-Eleven that’s moving to the North Portland neighborhood. The 7-Eleven is slated to open its doors at 8157 N Lombard—currently an empty lot just on the edge of St. John’s downtown. Neighbors are mad because the market would be […]
Posted inSLURPEEWATCH
Thank You Jesus, It’s Free Slurpee Day
It’s 7/11/11, which means 7-Eleven is going bugnuts fuckcrazy and giving away free Slurpees to anyone who wants ’em! Even you? Even you. 7-Eleven’s press release (thanks for sending this to me, EVERYONE I HAVE EVER KNOWN) starts off all normal: “To commemorate 7-Eleven, Inc.’s 84th birthday on July 11th, aka 7-Eleven Day, participating 7-Eleven® […]
Posted inSLURPEEWATCH
A Slurpee in Review: Cowboys & Aliens Alienade
LOOK. We all know what happens when aliens drink. That tragic incident led to the UN’s 1982 Ban on Extraterrestrial Intoxication, a piece of legislation that I think we can all agree was perfectly reasonable. Despite the best efforts of those liverspotted, milk-chugging freaks, we’ve saved ourselves a lot of trouble over the years. So […]
Posted inSLURPEEWATCH
A Slurpee in Review: Inspired by Thor Blue Lighting Blast™
Regular Mercury readers are painfully aware that I am terrible at my job, and write about absolutely nothing with any reliability, consistency, professionalism, or interest. I do, however, report the shit out of movie tie-in Slurpees; my rather impressive record on this matter, I believe, speaks for itself. So: Are you ready for another summer […]
Posted inFood and Drink
A Slurpee in Review: FINALLY, Scarlett Johansson’s On a Slurpee Cup! UPDATED!!!
Since studios have started to release their summer blockbusters earlier and earlier in the year, marketing tie-ins are starting earlier and earlier in the year, too. Which is why it makes perfect sense for Iron Man 2 Slurpees to currently be on sale, despite the fact that it’s 46 goddamn degrees outside. Obviously, due to […]
Posted inFood and Drink
A Slurpee in Review: The G.I. Joe “Liquid Ammunition” Slurpee.
If blue raspberries actually existed, and if they could go rotten, and then if those rotten blue raspberries could be distilled into some kind of fetid, greasy syrup, then that is what “Liquid Ammunition” is like. Also, if you touch “Liquid Ammunition” with your skin, your skin will be stained blue for several hours afterward. […]
Posted inFood and Drink
A Slurpee in Review: The Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen “Bumblebee Blast” Mango Passion Fruit Slurpee.
It’s like if you froze some Bartles & Jaymes and then ate it while you also had some pennies in your mouth. Also, it’d be impressive if this Slurpee’s vaguely metallic aftertaste was thematically tied-in to the film from which it takes its name, but I kind of doubt that this is the case. ~fin~ […]
Posted inFood and Drink
So I Spoke Too Soon.
DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS: There is, indeed, a Terminator-themed flavor of Slurpee, despite my earlier claims to the contrary. It’s apparently called “Apocalyptic Ice” (which is not a very good name, and certainly not as good as “Judge-Mint Day Juice”), and to add insult to injury, when I went to get one, the 7-Eleven on Broadway […]
Posted inFood and Drink
When Terminator Fans Got Mad About Terminator: Salvation Being Rated PG-13, This Was Probably Exactly the Sort of Bullshit They Were Worried Was Going to Happen.
Strangely, there does not appear to be a Terminator-themed flavor of Slurpee, unlike Wolverine’s Mutant Berry. This seems like a grave mistake—like somewhere along the 7-Eleven chain of command, somebody really fucked up. SUGGESTIONS: • Skynet Strawberry• John Connor Cherry• T-1000 Percent of Your Daily Recommended Corn Syrup Intake• Hasta La Vista Baby Habañero• Salvation […]
Posted inFood and Drink
Review: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE™ MUTANT BERRY™-FLAVORED SLURPEE®, AVAILABLE NOW AT 7-ELEVEN.
Y’know, another term for “mutant berry” would be “fruit punch.”