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It’s 7/11/11, which means 7-Eleven is going bugnuts fuckcrazy and giving away free Slurpees to anyone who wants ’em! Even you? Even you.

7-Eleven’s press release (thanks for sending this to me, EVERYONE I HAVE EVER KNOWN) starts off all normal: “To commemorate 7-Eleven, Inc.โ€™s 84th birthday on July 11th, aka 7-Eleven Day, participating 7-Elevenยฎ stores throughout Oregon will celebrate by giving customers a free 7.11-oz size Slurpeeยฎ beverage” kicks things off under a classy, understated headline (“**MEDIA ALERT** 7-Elevenยฎ Stores Celebrate Their only 7-11-11 Birthday this Century with Free Slurpeeยฎ Drinks“). But then things get weird:

The frozen, carbonated beverage was first invented in 1959 by a Kansas hamburger stand owner. Using an automobile air conditioner, he created a sophisticated piece of equipment that would freeze a carbonated soft drink and serve it in a sherbet-like form that could be sipped through a straw.

Well… that doesn’t seem safe. Like, at all.

Anyway, don’t care. See you at the Slurpee machine, Slurpee pals! I’m aiming for my blood to 90 percent high-fructose corn syrup by the time I get to go on a bike ride tonight.

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

3 replies on “Thank You Jesus, It’s Free Slurpee Day”

  1. Good luck. Any time I’ve tried to get a free Slurpee they are always out. Of the free ones. You can still pay for one. Each store gets a limited number of small 6-8 oz cups, and those are the free ones. Anything else is regular prize. So more like free crushed dreams day. Fuck you, 7/11.

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