American cats, please take note: YOU ARE LAZY FUCKS. Japanese cats work their tails off, while American cats—and I’m primarily speaking of Alison’s cat Queequeg—are the laziest goddamn animals in the universe who are only good for sleeping on my dry cleaning, scratching expensive furniture and dry humping throw blankets (again, Alison’s cat Queequeg). THIS is why America is lagging behind Japan! THIS is why hairball production is down 38 percent for the last three fiscal quarters! And THIS is why I’m embedding this video! GET TO FUCKING WORK, QUEEGQUEG (or whatever your fucking name is)!!
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.) More by Wm. Steven Humphrey
Tell me about it. On Saturday mornings my cat will sleep in as late as me. He’s lazy I tell you!
I had a feeling when you asked me how to spell my cat’s name that it was going to have something to do with blanket rape.