Look. I can’t imagine how it must be for former internet superstars. You’re wildly popular, rolling in money and then suddenly? 15 minutes later? BLAMMO! You’re licking the crust off an empty can of Fancy Feast you found next to the dumpster. BUT STILL. Shilling for pistachios is just… TOO… LOW. (He’d be better off giving handjobs to Garfield.)


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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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