[Read all of the articles in our Portland Fun Guide HERE! Looking for a print copy? Look at this handy-dandy map!—eds.]

Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade. Other times, you just look at the lemons and deeply seethe at your misfortune. Like, lemons? Again with the fucking lemons? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL THESE LEMONS?!

But there is a place between misery and elation, where you can step away from stress without feeling the need to grin and put on a show. As a frequent visitor of such spaces, I’ve put together this handy guide on where you can overload your senses so that the depression cannot reach you. Friends, this is your guide to the best quiet places to disassociate.

The Benches at Mt. Tabor with a View of Downtown

SE Salmon Way and SE Park

One of the best things I started doing during COVID was parking at the base of Mt. Tabor, hiking to the top, sitting on a bench with a view of downtown—and then spacing out until someone would start to think it was weird. Pair this with an audiobook of a celebrity memoir, and you’re got yourself a perfect couple of hours—no news, no notes. I recently listened to Jessica Simpson’s memoir Open Book, and then several episodes of the podcast You’re Wrong About which was about this same book, and it was, like, 11 hours of distraction from the horrors. When your eyes are focused on a stunning landscape, and you’re breathing deeply in connection with moving your body, and your ears are filled with delicious ‘90s pop star gossip that in no way involves you, you’ll have no space left in your senses for sadness or despair.

The Mall 205 Target Candle Aisle

9800 SE Washington

There is great comfort in knowing that in any part of this godforsaken country, you can step into a candle aisle at a Target, and it will have that same unique smell that can only be described as “every smell.” Is there anything quite as soothing as picking up a candle, smelling it, placing it back on the shelf, and then doing it 50 more times? How can you think about societal collapse when you’re trying to place that aroma–is it cloves? Amber? Perhaps a mild patchouli? The Mall 205 Target is especially perfect, because the candles are tucked into a quiet corner of the second floor and can be reached only after passing several aisles of blankets and throw pillows that you can gently touch as you walk by, going “oohh, this one’s soft.”

New Midland Library

805 SE 122nd

East Portland just opened a new public library which is quiet and chock full of books… as one would expect from a library. But it’s also beautiful–light, airy, and open, with short stacks. This means that I can let my child read quietly on one side while I wander around the rest of the space, picking out books to read, remembering I have a bunch of books at home that I need to read, and then putting the books away, like a volunteer librarian. I could read or not read here forever.

Portland Nursery (When It’s Not Raining)

5050 SE Stark

The saying “touch grass” means a person needs to back away from their screens and experience nature, but did you know that it doesn’t have to be grass? Really, any foliage will do. Enter: Portland Nursery. The neatly organized rows of plants and pots and small trees provide ample space to walk and enjoy greenery for an extended period of time without running the risk of getting lost on one of Mt. Tabor’s lesser-used trails, because you were geeking out on Jessica Simpson’s memoir and that edible was more potent than you expected. In fact, I bet you could be super stoned at Portland Nursery and still find your way back out, no problem. There is no stress here.

Hale Pele (When It Is Raining)

2733 NE Broadway

When it’s shitty out, I understand the compulsion to hole up in a dive bar and stare wistfully into gray skies, letting the melancholy overtake you. But may I also recommend imagining better days? The tiki bar Hale Pele on NE Broadway offers this space. The world could be on fire in a bad way, but in here? The cocktails are on fire in a good way. There are no windows. The interior is lush AF and seemingly always 75 degrees. Instead of bitter IPAs and whiskey that tastes like leather, Hale Pele will give you eight kinds of rum in a single pineapple, plus volcano sound effects. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure it’s medically impossible to feel the blues while in the presence of a tiny umbrella.

Amtrak Cascades

Union Station, 800 NW 6th

Here on the West Coast, it’s easy to feel envious of the Eastern seaboard and their easy rail travel. But not me! Because one thing I realized when traveling by train in the Northeast United States is that a lot of those areas are kinda (sorry!) grimy. While our inter-city travel in the PNW may be limited, when we can go by rail, the visuals are going to be stunning. Put some main character music on the iPod and imagine you’re being filmed, and it’s the part of the movie when you realize that you deserve a better, happier life… because you do.

Hippo Hardware

1040 E Burnside

Like Portland Nursery, Hippo Hardware is deceptively huge, providing hours of fun exploring opportunities. Unlike the Portland Nursery, Hippo Hardware is enclosed, meaning you’re not so much strolling open spaces as you are maneuvering around old bathtubs, pizza parlor lamps, and a million ancient knobs. It’s impossible to wonder if you’ll ever be able to afford to retire when you’re wondering if one of these clanky skeleton keys is carrying the spirit of an old-timey pioneer ghost, or if it’s just dusty.

Montavilla Farmers Market

7700 SE Stark (currently open every other Sunday; weekly starting in May)

There is simply nothing better than walking around a farmers market when you’re not sure what you want to make for dinner. The market will tell you what you need. Sometimes you’ll buy more produce than you’ll ever be able to eat in a week, and sometimes you leave with a bouquet of flowers and three kinds of hot sauce. Either way is fine. What matters is that you were outside, and you were free.

The Hike in Washington Park that Ends at Pittock Mansion

Parking at Lower Macleay Trailhead, 2960 NW Upshur

Similar to hiking up Mt. Tabor, the Washington Park hike that ends at Pittock Mansion isn’t so much about the journey as it is about getting there and then taking in the view of this gorgeous, gorgeous city of ours. My mind often goes to the quote from Seth Green’s character Kenny Fisher in the 1998 classic teen comedy Can’t Hardly Wait: “Oh no baby, please… you are far too fine to look so sad.” Because we are.