Ryan Alexander-Tanner

It seems as though there’s never been a better time for popular culture. The supply of movies, bands, and TV shows is vast and the quality is frequently top-notch (and when it’s bad, it’s either “good bad” or completely disposable). There are so many ways to be entertained and I feel like I’m familiar with exactly fucking none of them. I’m not complaining—it’s just that there’s too much good stuff. It’s like drowning in chocolate milk. It feels like every conversation these days is like:

“Have you seen X?”

“Oh no, I need to see that. But have you seen Y?”

“Oh no, I need to see that. But have you seen Z?”

It’s not only exhausting, dear reader, but exhausting as well. I can’t do it. I can’t keep up. So instead, I’m just going to (IN THE WORDS THAT FOLLOW) take my best guess at just what’s going on in some of these popular phenomenons. I’m going to focus on TV shows this time. Keep in mind, I’ve never seen any of these—and I’m just going completely off things I’ve overheard, as well as just some wild guesses with no basis in anything.


Four or maybe five kids get themselves involved in a mystery. It’s got a pretty good soundtrack, probably, with like... maybe Rush? It feels like maybe Rush is involved, or probably actually, like, a composer who made movie themes in the ’80s. But like, creepy themes. ’Cus the show is creepy, I think. There’s a ghost or a demon or a witch or an alien, and probably one person is like, “No way, that isn’t real!” but the kids are all like “It’s totally real!” and then that creepy ’80s composer music comes in, and... whoa, it’s real. There’s gotta be at least one scene where all the kids are riding bikes somewhere. I saw a GIF going around of a code involving Christmas lights, and it seems like that might be related, too—but I don’t know. Work was super busy that week.


Oh, I don’t fucking know. Banks, right? Like... the banks are bad, and Christian Slater is either in on it, or he’s angry about it. There’s that tiny dude with the weird eyes who always wears a hoodie. He’s a hacker and I think he hacks the banks and they’re out to get him. Is he Mr. Robot? If I had to guess, I’d say he’s Mr. Robot. Or is it like Gossip Girl, where we’re not supposed to know who Mr. Robot is? I feel like a lot of things happen in this show where someone who likes IPAs too much would say “total mindfuck.”


Honestly, I’ve seen most of this show and I still have no idea what’s going on. Everyone is a dirty white person with scraggle hair. It’s like I can’t even look at my phone for 70 percent of the episode without getting lost.