HEY LADIES! Itâs been a rough few weeks, hasnât it? International abortion gag orders. Our president telling his female staffers to âdress like a woman.â Elizabeth Warren essentially being told to sit down and shut up, but first to make all the other senators sandwiches.
During difficult times like these, Iâve found that self-care is super important. Itâs like they say... you have to put the mask on yourself before you can put it on all the other people flying on the same airplane as you, barreling unavoidably toward a mountain. So between marches and phone calls, I like to put on my headphones, slap on some sunscreen, and take a dip in Lake Me.
How can you do the same? Iâm glad you asked.
Have a glass of wine. Girl, youâve earned it! Though alcohol is a depressant and technically wonât make you feel better, it will calm you down and allow you to get some perspective. For the last few minutes right before you pass out.
Watch something sassy on Netflix! Like a romcom, a buddy movie, or a video about how to force your way out of the trunk of a car if youâre âdisappearedâ by the government for posting a disparaging meme on Instagram.
Take a bubble bath! Thereâs nothing like a hot bath filled with effervescent soap to clear your mind and wash away the muddy film of patriarchal oppression. Sometimes while Iâm in there, I like to dunk my head underwater and see how long I can hold my breath! Because you never know when youâll need to swim underwater across a man-made canal to escape a despotâs âLady Jail for Sixes and Under.â
Engage in physical fitness activities! If youâre feeling down, the last thing you want to do is go to the gym. But exercise is the best thing you can do for depression/political ennui/paralyzing fear! Ever try Zumba? Itâs a hoot! Spinning? Youâll sweat your balls off! Krav Maga? You could kill someone! Developed by the Israeli military, Krav Maga is one of the most deadly martial arts in the world. Its goal is to disarm, disable, and destroy your enemyâskills you can use to escape the state-run baby farm the Senate might hypothetically hide in an otherwise benign bill about tort reform in 2018.
Go to law school and become a Supreme Court Justice!! This one is a little harder, but if you have a law degree in your back pocket, you can cross the border to the Republic of California and sue the United States for Unlawful Use of a Uterus. When you win, youâll be exalted throughout the land! Everyone in the Reality Show Content Camps, the Ivanka Trump Accessory Production Yards, and the Melania Institutes of Acquiescent Wifery will rise up, based on your singular act of hope in a dark world. Using their skills from the Underground Krav Maga Training Facilities, theyâll overthrow the government and reinstate the Supreme Court, making you the first Justice, followed by BeyoncĂ©, Samantha Bee, and nine members of the three-time World Cup Champion US Womenâs Soccer Team.
Thatâs all I have for now, ladies! Remember, youâre all you have, so take care of YOU!