HEY LADIES! It’s been a rough few weeks, hasn’t it? International abortion gag orders. Our president telling his female staffers to “dress like a woman.” Elizabeth Warren essentially being told to sit down and shut up, but first to make all the other senators sandwiches.
During difficult times like these, I’ve found that self-care is super important. It’s like they say... you have to put the mask on yourself before you can put it on all the other people flying on the same airplane as you, barreling unavoidably toward a mountain. So between marches and phone calls, I like to put on my headphones, slap on some sunscreen, and take a dip in Lake Me.
How can you do the same? I’m glad you asked.
Have a glass of wine. Girl, you’ve earned it! Though alcohol is a depressant and technically won’t make you feel better, it will calm you down and allow you to get some perspective. For the last few minutes right before you pass out.
Watch something sassy on Netflix! Like a romcom, a buddy movie, or a video about how to force your way out of the trunk of a car if you’re “disappeared” by the government for posting a disparaging meme on Instagram.
Take a bubble bath! There’s nothing like a hot bath filled with effervescent soap to clear your mind and wash away the muddy film of patriarchal oppression. Sometimes while I’m in there, I like to dunk my head underwater and see how long I can hold my breath! Because you never know when you’ll need to swim underwater across a man-made canal to escape a despot’s “Lady Jail for Sixes and Under.”
Engage in physical fitness activities! If you’re feeling down, the last thing you want to do is go to the gym. But exercise is the best thing you can do for depression/political ennui/paralyzing fear! Ever try Zumba? It’s a hoot! Spinning? You’ll sweat your balls off! Krav Maga? You could kill someone! Developed by the Israeli military, Krav Maga is one of the most deadly martial arts in the world. Its goal is to disarm, disable, and destroy your enemy—skills you can use to escape the state-run baby farm the Senate might hypothetically hide in an otherwise benign bill about tort reform in 2018.
Go to law school and become a Supreme Court Justice!! This one is a little harder, but if you have a law degree in your back pocket, you can cross the border to the Republic of California and sue the United States for Unlawful Use of a Uterus. When you win, you’ll be exalted throughout the land! Everyone in the Reality Show Content Camps, the Ivanka Trump Accessory Production Yards, and the Melania Institutes of Acquiescent Wifery will rise up, based on your singular act of hope in a dark world. Using their skills from the Underground Krav Maga Training Facilities, they’ll overthrow the government and reinstate the Supreme Court, making you the first Justice, followed by Beyoncé, Samantha Bee, and nine members of the three-time World Cup Champion US Women’s Soccer Team.
That’s all I have for now, ladies! Remember, you’re all you have, so take care of YOU!