HISSSSSSSSS! It’s me, the Alien! Good to see you again—or should I say, good to scare you again! Haha! You know me—your old pal the Alien! I do enjoy my fun! HISSSSSSSSS! No doubt you’ll be scared witless while watching my new movie, Alien: Covenant! But the Alien has other ways to terrify you! HISSSSSSSSS!

• Let’s say you’re making yourself a nice cup of Sleepytime Tea. How relaxing! But then... deep in the shadows of your cupboard... HISSSSSSSSS! It’s me, the Alien! I’m hiding in your cupboard! I would also like some Sleepytime Tea!

• Oh no! Your puppy, Mr. Snuggles, is missing! Then, from a pitch-black corner of your basement, you hear a soft, sad whimper... and HISSSSSSSSS! It’s me, the Alien! I have been petting Mr. Snuggles! Oh, he is a good puppy! Let’s give him a treat!

• Your friend Tim comes over! You offer him a beer! You open the fridge and... HISSSSSSSSS! It’s me, the Alien! I’m in your fridge! Why didn’t you invite me over if you were inviting Tim over? Is Tim still pissed about that thing with Laura?

• You and Tim decide to watch some old Alien movies, such as Alien, Aliens, Alien3, and Alien: Resurrection. Do you mind if I stay? I promise not to talk during the movie! HISSSSSSSSS!

• Okay, great! So you, Tim, and me (the Alien) watch Alien3. But then... as you’re watching... you feel... something behind you. Is it... my lethally barbed tail? Is it... my acid blood? No! It is just my Alien arm, casually draped over your shoulder! Perhaps what scares you the most... is opening yourself up to the possibility of a relationship! With me, the Alien! HISSSSSSSSS!

• “I’m not scared of being in a relationship with the Alien, I just don’t want to be in a relationship with the Alien,” you say, and then you turn the page of the Portland Mercury. But there, in the News section... HISSSSSSSSS! It’s me, the Alien! “ALIEN SCARES YOU!” reads the headline! Unless News Editor Dirk VanderHart has, once again, IGNORED a MAJOR NEWS STORY that’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE! HISSSSSSSSS!

[Editor’s Note: News Editor Dirk VanderHart was eaten by the Alien and is dead.]