Uber and Lyft? YAWN. Bike-share programs? SNOOZE. E-scooters? PLEASE BE QUIET, YOU’RE BORING US TO DEATH!
Now there’s a better, more exciting way to get around... the HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK!
Here’s why HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICKS are superior to all other modes of transportation:
► Unlike regular pogo sticks, HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICKS are super-charged by clean, renewable nuclear energy. That’s why you can cover 30 yards in a single jump and reach a height of 18 feet! Can your stupid Lyft driver do that?
► Say you want to ride your e-scooter from Downtown to the Central Eastside. It’s gonna take FOREVER, idiot! E-scooters only go 15 mph! THAT’S TOO SLOW. The HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK can clear the entire Burnside Bridge in FIVE HOPS! In fact, if you’re not careful, you might wind up in Troutdale!
► Can e-scooters climb stairs? You’re joking me, right? Is this some sort of fucking joke? E-SCOOTERS CAN’T CLIMB STAIRS—BUT THE HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK CAN!
► How many times has this happened to you: “Oh no! My e-scooter just ran over some dog shit!” Everybody else: “Ha ha ha, you’re stupid! Should’ve gotten a HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK—they hop right over dog shit! Ha ha ha, you’re dumb!”
► Ugh! Look at you! You’re leaving your carbon footprint everywhere! The rubber tip on the end of the HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK is only two inches in diameter—much smaller than your foot. Therefore the HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK is better for the environment than walking! WHY DO YOU HATE THE ENVIRONMENT SO MUCH?
► Face facts: HOPSTER ™ E-POGO STICKS are cool, and all other modes of transportation are SUPER UN-COOL. Here’s a short list of celebrities who think the idea of you on a HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICK is really cool: Cardi B, Ryan Gosling, LeBron James, Dave Chappelle, Beyoncé, and Michelle Obama. Here’s a list of people who would rather see you on an e-scooter: Bill Cosby, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kellyanne Conway, and your sixth grade gym teacher.
