’Tis the season... sinus infection season! While public health authorities insist I’m “not a licensed medical professional,” I urge you to take heed of these sinus infection facts—YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT!

• How do sinus infections spread? Via this website! UH OH!

• Sinus infections are caused when mold rots your nasal passages, spreading down your throat and eventually to the deepest curds of your brain! Perhaps you should have practiced better intracranial hygiene.

• Got “leaky eyes”? That’s mold trying to wriggle its way out of your skull!

• Or maybe it’s pinkeye!

• Every TriMet bus is a disease coffin, and its passengers are pathogen puppets. Also there’s pee on that seat, watch out!

• Sinus infections have only one cure: ANTIBIOTICS! But because bacteria are becoming resistant to antibiotics, doctors are getting all stingy with them in an attempt to avoid a “global pandemic” that will supposedly kill “untold millions.” Thanks for NOTHING, stingy doctors! (Will you use antibiotics anyway? Will your hands be stained with the BLOOD OF FUTURE GENERATIONS?)

• “What’s a Neti pot?” you ask? Why, it’s an enema... for your nose!

• Sinus infections were first discovered by beloved character actor George Wendt. Cheers!

• Sinus infections can last for days, weeks, months, years, decades, or even centuries! I was born with one, and you will die with one.

• “Post-nasal drip” is when gobs of snot ooze down your throat, forcing you to cough up mucus! But if you instead swallow these snot gobs, it’s like a snot meal! A penny saved is a penny earned.

This has been the Portland Mercury’s Sinus Infection Report! Keep snifflin’!