Dear Mansplainer: Let me be very clear: I do not have a question, okay? I’m not asking you anything. I do not need your advice, nor do I need your opinion... I just want to say something, and I want you to listen. Just hear my words, and don’t respond. Take what I’m saying, put it in your brain, think about it, and give my words their full weight. However, under no circumstance do I want or need you to respond. For once in your life, please, please, please do not utter a single, solitary....—Janet Forester, Southeast Portland

Janet, allow me to interrupt! What you don’t seem to understand—and I’m happy to explain it to you—is that my highly valued opinions aren’t just for women... even though they need it most. My goal is to educate—or man-ducate, if you prefer—the world. I feel it’s my sacred duty to constantly remind everyone on Twitter and Facebook that they haven’t really put enough thought into their arguments. My overriding purpose is to impose logic and order into the chaotic world of emotion-driven thought.

Example: Let’s imagine Hollywood was making an all-female version of Fight Club. You’d be thrilled and perhaps even giddy, correct? My job is to quickly interrupt, point out that you’re being hysterical, and then correctly label your opinions as toxic femininity.

Besides, if I wasn’t on Twitter, who would explain all the jokes? Humor can be complicated! In fact, while I may be a master at dissecting comedy, I’m even better at explaining your jokes—like, why they’re funny, or more often than not, not.

I think we can all agree that the internet would be buried beneath a landslide of misinformation if I wasn’t there to share my obvious expertise on a wide-ranging array of topics that includes (but is certainly not limited to) sports, politics, pregnancy, the #MeToo movement, driving, providing directions while driving, Captain Marvel, grammar, sexual harassment, the correct way to chop garlic, the true intent of authors, and the difference between “vulva” and “vagina” (trick question: they’re the same thing).

But thanks for your cute question, Janet! I’m always happy to illuminate you.

Next time: Why you’re getting “mansplaining” all wrong.