Seth (last name withheld) of Beaverton writes, “Hey Mercury! Let me be the first to tell you that no one gives a shit about Ariana Grande. Your paper’s constant fawning over this middling, no-talent pop star is making your already terrible reputation even worse. Can you please stop writing about her and focus on something more important, like... oh, I don’t know... actual NEWS? Eat shit, b-holes.”
Okay... WOW. Seth really has some feelings about Ariana Grande and the Mercury! In his defense, I admit I spend a lot of my work day writing about Ariana Grande, and in fact, devoted my last column to her majestic majesty. That said, SETH IS A GODDAMN IDIOT. And here are the reasons why SETH IS A GODDAMN IDIOT laid out in exquisite detail:
REASON ONE WHY SETH IS A GODDAMN IDIOT:
Just because ONE person at the Mercury expresses an opinion, that doesn’t mean that the entire office shares that opinion. Maybe this is a poor example, because to my knowledge, every person at the Mercury adores Ariana Grande... and why wouldn’t they? Okay, I suppose it’s possible that maaaaybe one, or at the most two, employees may not go absolutely apeshit for Ariana Grande, and they may be afraid to express this obviously wrong opinion because I admit I can get pretty intense about it sometimes.
In any case, just because a Mercury employee expresses a belief, it doesn’t mean the rest of us follow that person off the cliff like a bunch of suicidal lemmings. Mercury people are interesting individuals with lots of contrasting ideas, and I support their right to say and write what’s on their mind, even when I don’t agree with it. So, when you see people on Twitter saying stuff like, “Oh, the Mercury supports fluoride in our water,” that’s not necessarily true. (Again, bad example, because only dum-dums don’t support water fluoridation, and the Mercury doesn’t hire dum-dums. But you get what I mean.)
REASON TWO WHY SETH IS A GODDAMN IDIOT:
Seth is one of those people who thinks the Mercury exists solely to satisfy him. So when he writes things like, “Why don’t you stop writing about Ariana Grande and focus on news,” my reply is, “Eat a bag of dicks, dorko—because we’re doing BOTH.” There’s plenty of room at the Mercury to write about the city’s controversial residential infill plan as well as the brilliant narrative parody of Ariana Grande’s “7 Rings.” Besides, our super talented news staff—Alex Zielinski and Blair Stenvick—spend their days and occasional weekends tirelessly covering news you won’t read anywhere else, and neither of them (to my knowledge) have ever written a single word about Ariana Grande. (Hmmm... actually, I think I’ll have a little talk with them about that.)
REASON THREE WHY SETH IS A GODDAMN IDIOT:
Yer pal (except for you, Seth),
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury
