Hello, exclamation point! What a time to be alive, question mark? Real talk: Iâm feeling a little blue as I write this. Shitâs bleak. Also, my dog wonât leave me alone, and I donât know what he ate but he will not. stop. farting. So thatâs where Iâm at. If you canât handle me like this, yeah, I get it. But if you can, please read on:
The Bible Belt v. Roe v. Wade
Peeking out from behind the curtains of Portland, much of the country is looking... not great, Bob. Georgia, Alabama, and Ohio are among several states who have recently signed unconstitutional abortion restrictions into law, clearly clamoring over their chastity belts to get Trumpâs stolen Supreme Court to reconsider Roe v. Wade. Not that itâs any of your business, but Iâve never had an abortionâand itâs not because Iâm some uber-religious prudeâs idea of a perfect, pure woman. You know why Iâve never had an abortion? Because I was lucky. I had decent sex education and good healthcare and access to contraceptives and a body that tolerated birth control and partners who respected what I wanted to do with my body and the dumb luck to not fall into the small percentage of people who use contraceptives correctly but they still fail. If Iâd gotten pregnant at 16 or 20 or 25, I would have had an abortion. It took a bunch of other stuff to line up, so I didnât need to. Everyone with a uterus should be so lucky. (There are many organizations supporting the work to protect womenâs reproductive rights in impacted states. Give them your money.)
And how are our approximately 500 Democratic presidential candidates responding? Well, Joe Biden blandly tweeted that Roe v. Wade is âsettled lawâ and that âthis choiceâ should belong to a woman and her doctor. This choice?! Abortion isnât a dirty word, Joe! Your wife is a doctor. Grow up! Meanwhile, Elizabeth Warren has continued to rise above her male challengers in the Democratic primary field, backwards and in heels, most recently by refusing to do a town hall on Fox News. She tweeted: âFox News is a hate-for-profit racket that gives a megaphone to racists and conspiracists... I wonât ask millions of Democratic primary voters to tune into an outlet that profits from racism and hate in order to see our candidates.â She got a bunch of winning (NOT) responses on Twitter, like the guy who said, âGo on calling half of America stupid, see how well that worked out for Hillary.â And now letâs all fire up our megaphones at once and shout into oblivion: HILLARY CLINTON WON THE POPULAR VOTE BY 2,864,974 VOTES!
The Simpler Life
Oof! Time for a palate cleanser! Letâs do whatever my baby boomer mom does when thereâs a lull in conversation and talk about how the young are different from the old! The New York Times recently produced a quiz to determine if those born in the very late â70s and very early â80s are more Millennial or Gen X by asking questions like, âHow many phone numbers do you know?â and, I donât remember, something about Swingers. I donât need that quiz; I know Iâm an Xennial because I didnât have a Myspace until after college, and also because Iâm poly with my boyfriend and know any and all gossip relating to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. And what are they up to? OH GRRRL, I AM GLAD YOU ASKED! Paris recently went on Andy Cohen to promote her new banger âMy Best Friendâs Assâ (chorus: âFuckboys everywhere tryna make a pass / But I canât stop looking at my best friendâs assâ), and Cohen asked her to say something nice about LiLo. Parisâs response: âSheâs... beyond... lame and embarrassing.â (That chorus again: âFuckboys everywhere tryna make a pass / But I canât stop looking at my best friendâs ass.â) Ignoring the question of who is or isnât lame and embarrassing, Paris is an unimpeachable genius for tapping into our Xennial nostalgia for a simpler time when Paris v. LiLo was our biggest something-versus-something concern.
Also: One of the most famous cats on the internet, Grumpy Cat, died last week at the age of seven. I must turn to our prophet Keanu Reeves, who, when recently asked by Stephen Colbert what happens after we die, said: âI know that the ones who love us will miss us.â We love you and will miss you, Grumpy Cat. And thank you, Keanu Reeves. While I wholly endorse you making more John Wick movies, if you ever feel like starting a cult where youâre God, Iâll for sure get behind that, too.
The Bell
This is not about the penultimate episode of Game of Thronesâthat was âThe Bellsâ and would require a much larger space to write about. No, this is about The Bell, which is possibly even worse: Fast food chain Taco Bell is opening a hotel in California called The Bell. According to Food & Wine, it will be a pop-up in Palm Springs open for only five days and will feature all TB everything, including a salon where you can get Taco Bell-themed manicures and a pool with Taco Bell floaties. Taco Bell says: âEverything from guest rooms to breakfast and poolside cocktails will be infused with a Taco Bell twist, making this the flavor-filled getaway of 2019.â If by âflavorâ they mean âdiarrhea,â then yeah, probably. Okay, hereâs a âwould you ratherâ: Would you rather spend five days at The Bell or five days watching âThe Bellsâ?
In Local News
Recently, tens of thousands of Oregon educators and their supporters donned #RedforEd and took to Waterfront Park to rally for education funding. It was a beautiful sunny day and many of us got sunburns (talk about going red for ed, ha ha), but it was worth it because kids are real exhausting and teachers should be paid more for dealing with them all day. Then a bunch of State Senate Republicans didnât show up to vote on the bill that would have generated about an extra billion dollars a year for our schools because theyâre chickenshit. But THEN, just days later, some bean counters in Salem determined that revenue so far this year has been way higher than projected by... almost a billion dollars. While they could fix everything by simply moving the billion dollars from one account to another, weâre instead getting a kicker on our tax returns next year. If I ever run for office in this state, it will be on a platform of no more kicker, and no more sunburns!
The Last Word
Thank you for reading this week even though shitâs depressing and everything metaphorically smells like dog farts, just as my living room literally smells like dog farts. We can pinch our noses together and hope for a nice breeze of fresh air. Until next time: I love you and I like you.
