KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP)—In late May of 2019, Democratic candidate Another White Guy entered the presidential race, and immediately secured a top-three position in the national polls alongside fellow white guys Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.
However, in the weeks following the two Democratic debates, Another White Guy has seen his popularity slipping. This inspired Another White Guy to make a bold move that has served other white guys so well in the past.
"I'm Another White Guy, and I'm declaring right now that I’m the Democratic nominee for president of the United States," he announced at a hastily convened press conference.
When reminded that the Democratic National Convention—where the party’s presidential nominee is historically chosen—will not occur until July 13, 2020, Another White Guy was unmoved.
“Look, I know when the Democratic National Convention is, okay?” he said. “But I’m Another White Guy, and Another White Guy doesn’t like to wait! We need a candidate—preferably Another White Guy—that can go after Trump right now. So why are we waiting until three months before the election to make this very important decision? We need to get this show on the road, people! And that’s why I’m formally announcing TODAY that Another White Guy is YOUR Democratic nominee for President of the United States!”
In response to Another White Guy’s announcement, several Democratic candidates expressed surprise and dismay, with Kamala Harris calling it “a brazen, entitled move” that is “typical White Guy behavior.”
“You know what? Kamala and the rest of those losers need to get the memo,” Another White Guy responded. “According to the polls, America currently believes that only another white guy can beat Trump, right? Therefore, another white guy should be the nominee. How do I know that white guy is me? IT’S MY ACTUAL NAME!”
Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez, unable to combat Another White Guy’s logic, immediately cancelled next July’s convention, declaring Another White Guy as the party’s nominee for president.
“Now all I have to do is choose a running mate,” Another White Guy said. “How does this sound: ‘Another White Guy/Some Other White Guy 2020’? I’ll see if he’s available.”