Hello, bats and ghouls! It’s only been autumn for two weeks, and I’ve gotta tell you: everybody looks fantastic. We are not a warm weather people, and everyone tromping around in boots and flannels and hats and sweaters has got me feeling all kinds of ways. What’s that? You’ve got complimentary earth tones on your backpack, stocking cap, and scarf? Unf, take it off, but only if you promise to put it back on again, because you’re hot when you’re warm. What am I wearing, you ask? At least 20 different things, and they’re all cable knit. (Wow, that got steamy. Let’s cool our bits, eh? I know what will do the trick!)

Bunch of Old White Dudes

We’re a few weeks into the impeachment inquiry against Donald Trump and my god, do I freaking LOVE the news. It’s exhausting and appalling, sure, but all these piles of shit are making some real choice diamonds. So apparently this whole Joe Biden/Ukraine scandal stems from a few confused old men haphazardly believing memes. An unnamed former administration official pointed out that it’s all due to former national hero and current Trump lapdog Rudy Giuliani “putting shit in Trump’s head.” This same source also called him a “moron.” Giuliani came out swinging with a swift rebuttal of “I know you are but what am I?” I paraphrase—the exact quote, according to The Atlantic, is: “These morons—when this is over, I will be the hero.” Whatever you say, moron.

Despite Giuliani being one of Trump’s most faithful fumbling old hacks, Trump privately bullies the hell out of him. According to New York Magazine, even back in 2016, when Giuliani was the first ally to jump to Trump’s defense when the Access Hollywood pussy-grabbing tape was leaked, Trump reportedly told him, “Man, Rudy, you sucked. You were weak. Low energy.” Trump is also known to ridicule Giuliani for falling asleep on long flights. Writer Irin Carmon summarized this very 2019 mood: “My theory of Trump’s relative appeal is no matter who you are, eventually he gets around to bullying someone you secretly think deserves it.”

Celebrity Gossip!

All of us ’80s and ’90s bitches are overjoyed by the release of Demi Moore’s memoir, Inside Out. As you suspected, Moore is bursting with tea to spill, since she’s been linked to some of the biggest stars of the last four decades, including Bruce Willis, Emilio Estevez (Google him, children! The Mighty Ducks!), and Ashton Kutcher. Also apparently Jon Cryer? As in Duckie from Pretty in Pink? Oookay. Moore shared in her book that while the two were playing lovers in the ’80s comedy No Small Affair, “Jon fell for me in real life, too, and lost his virginity to me while we were making that movie.” Instead of living the rest of his life having people think he lost his virginity to Demi Moore, thus being a freaking ICON, Cryer tweeted an ill-advised correction: “While I’m sure she was totally justified making that assumption based on my skill level (and the stunned look on my face at the time), I had actually lost my virginity in high school.” DUDE. What is the matter with you?! You were just gifted an amazing first-time story. You could have said nothing. You wanna only be remembered for being Duckie? Or worse, the lamer of all the lame dudes on Two and a Half Men??

Speaking of Two and a Half Men (which I will never do again): Cryer’s costar was also mentioned in Moore’s book, because he is her ex-husband Ashton Kutcher. Moore wrote that when they were married, she tried things like threesomes to keep him interested, but he cheated on her anyway. Again, saying nothing was an option, but instead Kutcher tweeted: “I was about to push the button on a really snarky tweet. Then I saw my son, daughter, and wife and I deleted it.” Okay, that is still definitely a snarky tweet, so I’m curious what he deleted! Wait, no—I’m not. The most interesting thing about either one of those dudes is that they hooked up with Demi Moore. I don’t want to hear anything else from them.

The Latest in DOGS

The company behind the wildly popular video game Halo posted on the ’gram that the only creature mysterious and unnatural enough to provide alien slobbers and snorts for an upcoming game is a PUG. The creators wrote that “his grunts, breaths, and excitement are sure to make for some... interesting sounds in #HaloInfinite.” I am a pug mom and can confirm that this is brilliant casting—these little fuckers sound like frightened or dying aliens most of the time. And if there’s ever a Smell-O-Vision component to the game, pugs could help out again, as their farts definitely smell like decaying alien corpses.

In other dog news, the creator of the labradoodle recently announced that creating this hypoallergenic crossbreed was his greatest mistake in life. He said that the dog’s popularity has inspired other unhealthy genetic freak dogs. “I released a Frankenstein,” he said. Of course, we know that Frankenstein was the doctor and not the monster, but the guy made a labradoodle: he makes mistakes. My pug—a breed that was literally bred to sit on laps and needs a prescription ointment to clean his wrinkles—relished in the news that he only voices monsters in video games but is not one in real life.

Meow This: CATS!

I am contractually required to mention that Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin recently had their wedding celebration, a year after their courthouse vows. Mazel! I was sincerely rooting for them UNTIL I learned that Bieber’s wedding gift to Baldwin was two Savannah kitties—a new kind of designer cat crossed from a housecat and a serval, which is a wild animal. The cats are named Sushi and Tuna, and while both are very cute and have their own Instagram and I would die for them, Bieber is not a good pet owner (remember the monkey he abandoned in Germany?) and these cats are clearly the labradoodles of cats, but with sharper claws. Good luck, kids!

In Local Meows: More Cats!

Researchers at Oregon State University recently concluded that your cat *probably* loves you. The lead author of the study said: “Attachment is a biologically relevant behavior. Our study indicates that when cats live in a state of dependency with a human, that attachment behavior is flexible and the majority of cats use humans as a source of comfort.” Any cat owner knows that of course cats use us as sources of comfort, like comfortable warm meat pads, and can openers, and back scritchers. According to science, that counts as love!

Democratic Primeowy Big Cats

I couldn’t not write about our progressive smart aunt Elizabeth Warren this week! Not only is she killing it in the polls and in fundraising, but she was also the victim of a comically bad attempted takedown by child grifter Jacob Wohl. Wohl had a press conference in front of a sign calling Warren a cougar, alleging that senator had a steamy affair with a 24-year-old body builder. The claim was immediately refuted, but not before everybody agreed that the whole stunt made Warren even more likable. And THEN she tweeted: “It’s always a good day to be reminded that I got where I am because a great education was available for $50 a semester at the University of Houston (go Cougars!). We need to cancel student debt and make college free for everyone who wants it.” The woman can simultaneously talk policy while engaging in next-level trolling. Me-freaking-OW.

The Last Word

This was a very pet-heavy column. What can I say—it’s cuddle weather. I hope that you enjoyed our time and that you’re carried through the next two weeks in the warm embrace of layered clothing, impeachment updates, and soft animals. Ciao.