‘Allo, ‘allo!
Sorry, how rude of me. ‘Allo, ‘allo is how they say hello in England, which is where I am right now. I’m overseas. Across the pond. On the other side of the Atlantic. Bloked out from the throat out. Union Jacking off. Brentered. Johnny Englished. Hugh Granted access. Stadium UKadium. Glastonburied alive. Trigger fingers turned to Britter fingers. Playing a blistering eight-minute solo on the Anglo-Saxophone. Parliamentary proceeding.
I’m in England. It’s my first time EXITING THE EXALTED CONTINENT OF NORTH AMERICA, and I have to say, I’m having a heckuva helluva fun time over here. In fact, I’m furious that I have to take time away from eating blood pudding and saying “innit” to even write this column, but I love you, as more than just a friend even, so I’m writing it anyway.
I have to say, it’s different as fuck over here (I went to college!). It’s different as fuck as fuck. I really thought it’d be more similar to the United States since the UK is our OG, but I have been surprised. England is our mother country, technically, but it’s a cold, distant mother who smokes long cigarettes with her thin lips. Here, presented in handy list form, are some of the most startling facts about the nation that I’ve learned since I arrived here.