You’re right—ABC’s The Bachelor has never featured a gay man. But you know… there could be a very good reason for that. Check out this hilarious sketch, “The First Gay Bachelor” starring your host George Takei and Modern Family‘s Jesse Tyler Ferguson as the unluckiest bachelor (gay or straight) in history.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)