[Happy pre-Halloween! All week long the Mercury will be publishing classic tales of local Halloween horror from our archives, as well as brand spankin’ new (and creepy) pieces… this one is from our 2019 special feature in which we investigated Portland’s most terrifying places.—eds]
Portland is home to many so-called “haunted” businesses, residences, and public spaces. But how haunted are they really? The Mercury decided to find out by picking four of Portland’s most famously spooky places and testing their alleged paranormality with SCIENCE. How? By purchasing the most scientifically stringent ghost hunting app on the internet, the Ghost Tracker EMF EVP Recorder™ from trusted Swedish ghost-hunting company LaxTon. This app comes with an EMF scanner (testing for electromagnetic fields, or “ghost stink”), a motion detector, and the ability to record EVP (electronic voice phenomenon), which doesn’t sound at all made up.
Did it work? Read on to find out, as the Mercury tests and then once and for all rules on whether Portland’s most ghostly places are “haunted as all get-out” or “bull-fucking-shit.” As always… you’re welcome.
Lone Fir Cemetery:
Haunted as Hell!
by Wm. Steven Humphrey
Let’s get one thing straight, people: When it comes to ghosts, I’m skeptical as fuck. I despise all things that are superstition-based (sorry God!), and when anyone mentions their “actual, really true” encounters with other-worldly spirits, my eyes get dangerously close to rolling out of my head. All that said…
Lone Fir Cemetery is straight up haunted, y’all!
Established in 1854 as a resting place for the 24 victims of a boat explosion (and therefore dozens of unidentified body parts), Lone Fir is now the permanent home for some of the city’s most famous founders, including James C. Hawthorne, who remains well-known for running the Oregon Hospital for the Insane (roughly located where the Lucky Lab is now) and generously burying the bodies of patients who were conveniently forgotten by their families.
Lone Fir Cemetery features acres of crumbling mausoleums, ornate timber-themed gravestones, and even a marker that simply reads, “Random Person.” In short, it’s seemingly the perfect home for moaning, chain-clanking spirits who want nothing more than to scare the shit into your pants.